abbykk

moving...

2009-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

hey folks.

abbykk.com is looking better and better and now is my new blogging home. if you are still following me here, please change my address in your reader and keep up with me there...

i just posted on how i hope to get back into painting and would love your feedback.

transitions

2009-05-24T23:05:00.001-07:00

this weekend, i graduate from seminary. i am growing up and moving on, in many ways, by staying where i am. i am not changing addresses. i am not finding new job (yet). i even still have to take classes until the end of 2009.

the biggest change: realizing i want to be an artist.

to the rest of the world, this may not come as a shock. i was an art major in college. i have a BFA. i enjoy painting with kids. i carry colored pencils in my purse more often than i carry lip gloss. but, i always just thought it was who i was--not something i did, especially not to make a living.

but as i grow, one of the major things i have learned in seminary is that i want to make a living doing things that i believe in, and love. and if that is the case, art will always be a part of making a living.

i keep running into emotions around the changes that are happening that i do not expect. fear is the biggest. i am afraid i cannot make money making art. i am afraid i will fail before i even try. this fear is so palpable, i am fighting to keep it from tying me down, paralyzing me, and restricting me from even trying.

and so i will try. this is step one. i am moving my blog over to abbykk.com, which will also include an online portfolio, and links to an etsy.com shop that is under construction.

this is an experiment in a life of minstry, service and art. can I integrate the parts of myself into a creative life that serves the world? simple as it sounds, this is the sincere question that will drive this experiement in my life. the least i can do is try.

and fyi... abbykk.com is still underconstruction. by the end of the week, i hope to have the kinks worked out and an etsy.com shop up and running. we shall see.

intimate moments in public

2009-05-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

this morning while frantically filing my gas tank, late as usual, two cop cars pull into the gas station behind an innocuous looking four door. in the short time that it took my car to suck down a few gallons of gas, the two cops had two young men out of the car, cuffed and were patting them down.

i felt like a peeping tom. here were these young men, probably not more that a handful of years younger than me, being restrained. in a exceptionally basic way, their freedom to move was being denied. and once cuffed, an authority was touching and feeling them. touches that in another context would be considered intimate, but because of uniforms, restraints, hardware and context, are extremely public.

my read on this is scene is colored by too many lenses to name. my own context. i have only been in a car that was pulled over once, and i was not the driver. i am white, and have lived in cities where that seriously drives down the likelihood that cops look twice at you. yet, i am the child of a lawyer who was sure to teach his children their rights at the hands of authority, and how to play the game if pulled over. and in oakland, not a few miles from where a traffic stop took a fatal turn in march, i cannot imagine being a cop in this city and not confronting that reality everyday. nor can i imagine being a young man cuffed in this city, knowing the history, and the fate of the shooter in that incident. these are only the beginnings of the forces at work as that cop rolled up the young man's sleeve and enclosed his wrists in steel.

what feels private is public, and so i turned away, tucked my chin down, replaced the gas pump and drove to holy hill.

huh.

to keep from eating paint.

2009-04-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

i recently tweeted that i want to paint so badly i can taste it. i didn't realize how that sounded until four or five replies that made don't-eat-paint jokes. but, i have found in my deep desire recently to draw more, paint more, and devote my time to these creative and seemingly earthly pursuits that i am starting to make art in unexpected places. i wonder if people presbytery meetings and at chapel services and classes on theodicy are put off or confused by my art making during these solemn and sacred events. i hope not. i hope they realize that it is my way to connect to the Divine and those around me, and that i finally feel comfortable enough (or desperate enough) to make art in a public spaces where that is not generally done.

above, my prayer for the presbytery meeting last week, coming out of the worship experience that surrounded the vote on constitutional amendments, in particular a reading of Ephesians 4:1-6.

ephesians 1 a la abbykk

2009-04-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday i preached on ephesians 1 at mbcc. the translation we are using for this series on ephesians is the translation i completed during my greek intensive in january with the help of dr. polly coote. below is the translation of the first chapter, the questions i asked mbcc, and some form of the thoughts i tried to share. it's the outline of what i worked with, but for anyone who has been a part of a worship where the sermon involves discussion, what i start with or expect is never exactly what happens. its beauty is in the unpredictability and the places where wisdom surprises us.

EPHESIANS 1

Paul, apostle of Christ Jesus, by the will of God, to the ones who are in Ephesus and the faithful in Christ Jesus: Grace for you and peace from God our father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God the father of the Lord of us, Jesus Christ, the one who blesses us with each spiritual blessing in the heavenly things in Christ.

As God chose us in him, before the foundation of the world, for us to be holy and blameless in front of him in love, predestining us for the purpose of adoption by means of Jesus Christ into him, according to the favor of his will, for glorious praise of his grace, which favored us in the beloved.

In whom we have the redemption by his blood, the forgiveness of the transgressions because of the wealth of his grace, which God made abound for us in all wisdom and in understanding, making known to us the mystery of his will according to his pleasure, which he planned by it, for the purpose of the arrangement of the completion of times, all things to sum themselves up in Christ, on the heavens and on the earth in him.

In whom we were called, predestined, according to the will of the one doing everything, according to the resolution of his will, in order for us to be in glorious praise of him, the ones who have hoped before in Christ.

In whom you all also after hearing the word of the truth, the good news of our salvation in whom, also after believing sealed by the holy spirit of the promise, which is the pledge of our inheritance, deliverance of possession, for praise of his glory.

On account of this, I too having heard of the faith of you in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the holy. I do not cease being thankful on behalf of you, remembering you in the time of my prayer. So that God of the Lord of us, Jesus Christ, the glorious father, may give you spirit of wisdom and revelation in knowledge of him, having the eyes of your heart enlightened to know what is the hope of his calling, what is the wealth of his glorious possessions in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power for us, the faithful, according to the working of the might of his strength.

He worked in the Christ after raising him from the dead and seating him in at his right hand in the heavenly things, over every ruler and authority, earthly and heavenly power and every name being called not only in this age but also in the future; and God subordinated everything under his feet and he gave him as head of everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of the one who is filling everything in everyway.

The Word of God.

Let us pray.

What words stood out to you in all of that?

Given it's reputation, predestination is very often on the top of that list for me.

What is predestination?

How do we think about it and associate in wider culture?

BUT

Together, let's reflect on what this passage in particular... not culture, not Calvin, not even other parts of the Bible... just this chapter of Ephesians... can tell us about predestination.

In Ephesians 1, we encounter the word in two places-

v. 5: "for the purpose of adoption"
If adoption is the purpose of predestination, how does that challenge your understanding of predestination? What difference does adoption make to predestination?

v. 10: paralleled with "called". The writer of Ephesians very often repeats synonyms or similar concepts to drive his point home.
What is call? What does an association with "call" tell us about what predestination is?

We also encounter God over as over as God the father (pardon the masculine language if that offends you.) throughout this chapter. But, the plans of a parent are different than the plans of a boss, for example. What does the metaphor of God as father tell us about predestination?

So, in your own words, how might you define or think about predestination based on this passage?

God's plan is for us to be adopted into God's family. For me, the heart of this concept of predestination is God choosing us to be brothers and sisters in Christ, receiving our inheritance through the Holy Spirit. Predestination is an understanding of God's hope and call for us to live in community as family. As siblings share, we share our inheritance of grace and the responsibility of God's work in the world. This does not have to imply that we have no control, simply that since the beginning of creation, God has reached out to adopt us, and God hopes we respond to that love. Over and over again, throughout the Biblical narrative, we see God choosing people--individuals and communities to be a part of the divine family. Often it is those least expected to be chosen. But, again and again, God chooses us with a love that is without boundaries.

God does not stop there. The author of Ephesians lists many of the fruits of our adoption, though often in vague language. We are redeemed and forgiven, our hearts are enlightened and we are humbled by Jesus. We are all a part of the body, with Christ as the head. But as with the adoption into a family, the process does not stop with the legal paperwork, it only begins. God's process is only at the beginning when we are adopted through Christ into God's family.

Ezekiel 36:24-28, is one of the many places that God is explained as choosing people, lays out many of the processes that are a part of the transformation that begins at our adoption. God gathers us, cleanses us, gives us a new heart and spirit. God will move us to follow the divine call and the divine ways. All of this is a part of the promise God makes when God adopts us. The process of faith that begins with Jesus is just that... a process. As we grow in our families, in our communities, in our relationships here with one another, we also grow in our relationship with God.

This process is difficult. Just as in families, we know that we are no only defined by our relationships, but by our entire history that we have lived together. Even when we recognize our adoption by God, we do not always recognize who are brothers and sisters are in that family. I went to the San Francisco Presbytery meeting this week, one of the denominational bodies that this congregation participates in. This is a body that knows consciously that it is the body of Christ and has covenanted to live as brothers and sisters in the family of God. And yet, when controversial issues, deeply held beliefs, and significant conflicts arise as they did this week, the body sometimes chooses not to engage. My biggest disappointment at the meeting was not that the issues were not decided how I hoped, but that the presbytery voted against talking in small groups about the difficult issue at hand. No one wanted to listen to each other. Everyone assumed they know what the other side would say and did not want to be open to be challenged, or to grow. In that moment, most of the presbytery refused to see that those they disagree with are just as much their brother or sister in Christ as those they agree with.

If there is time... move onto these questions. If not, skip to clip.

Using this metaphor and these scriptures, where we are all equal siblings under Jesus, how do we solve conflict? How did you and your siblings solve conflict? How should you have handled it? How do we love each other when we don't agree with someone else's choices or the direction they are headed in?

What do we do to keep living together in peace? How do we transform our own perspective so that we see our adversaries as brothers or sisters in Christ?

End with clip from the the Birdcage. This family sets aside differences to become family and act on behalf of the other, adopted into the same family whether you like it or not.

Let us pray.

Open to the holy spirit?

2009-04-21T21:15:00.001-07:00

This evening was the SF Presbytery meeting. For all those non presby-geeks out there, I go because I enjoy the community. My membership is in Cincinnati, but I will not have a vote at Presbytery until (if and when) I am ordained. Then my membership will move to where I work.

On the docket tonight: a constitutional amendment (known as 08-B) that is making the presbytery rounds for approval. The amendment would remove and change the language that excludes GLBTQ people from ordination (as deacons, elders and ministers).

At first, I was deeply impressed with SF Presbytery for not only putting the votes on GA amendments in worship (book-ended by scripture and communion)... and with aiming for a process that humanized the conflicts and dissension within the presbytery by asking people to process and discuss in small groups (of voices they do not hear). But the first thing they voted on in regards to these issues was process and they voted to eliminate small group discussion... a sign to me that this presbytery is not interested in listening to each other.

The process agreed upon was a pre-selected panel of six (three in support, three opposing) followed by silence and a ballot vote. This is not the standard presbytery process (which includes open mic time and voice votes before ballots).

Four of six speakers on the panel were men, one was a person if color. More ministers than elders. Can we really talk about radical inclusion with integrity when that is the case?

Highlights of the speakers that stood out to me:

In support of the amendment, noted were places where biblical authority has come to new understandings... Slavery, women's leadership, inclusion of those with disabilities, interracial marriage. Grace filled understanding of moral evolution and interpretation of scripture is the example if Jesus himself.

Against amendment B, speaking to flaws in proposed amendment rather than inclusiveness of ordination. The words are not strong enough to be true to ordination vows. Reform as return, not progress.

An elder from MBCC spoke in favor of the amendment. He is our eldest elder and was amazing. He spoke about family, from his experience. He asked who is not here... something everyone else missed. He challenged the fairness of deciding this issue without being able to here from the GLBTQ folks who are a part of our communities. We don't let folks speak for themselves. He also noted the way that conflict is causing the church to lose credibility in wider society. (and made a slick Will and Grace reference).

Next person against framed the issue as not just about polity or theology but as deeply personal. He said after serious soul searching and he realized he must submit to authority of scripture around "God's design for human sexuality in the bible"... all of it.

Aside: I cannot buy, as a young woman, even a straight one, that the "scriptural" picture of sexuality is God's design for human sexuality. Scriptural understandings of human sexuality allow for the ownership of women in sexual relationships and polygamy. Our church does not pretend to practice a Scriptural understanding of sexuality... at least as far as I understand the Bible and the PC(USA) position.

I lost steam for taking notes by the last two speakers, but fear stood out for me, as did the assumption that ambiguity is always bad and painful.

Hymn sing while ballots are counted. Yes, no or abstain were the options.

Here is what amazes me about presbytery meetings. And perhaps this is my newness, my naivete, or maybe this is what we hope presbytery to be... but even having "lost," there were times in the process that I felt the Spirit, and that there seemed to be that sincere efforts at being the one body of Christ amidst a diversity of opinions.

That said, I was not as confident as some that SF would support the amendment, but I still thought "hey, with all these places like (insert presbytery you assume in more "conservative" than SF here) changing the spirits on minds on this amendment, SF will certainly go." Surprise!

And yet, I experience grace and support at presbytery. Even as a seminarian. Who is not under care here. Who doesn't go to the local Presbyterian seminary. I feel accepted and supported as a colleague by people I am proud to learn from. My experiences of fellowship at these presbytery mtgs. over the last eighteen months give me hope and enthusiasm for participating in such bodies in my future ministry... actively. engaged in the "institution." never expected that. never thought i would LIKE presbytery meetings. Surprise!

So, do we only "feel the Spirit" when we think we are going to win?

Resurrections

2009-04-15T09:02:00.001-07:00

I have been trying to write this post for days. The good news: I have been to busy celebrating resurrection to write about it. The bad news: I have been too busy to reflect.

Over my kitchen sink hangs a photograph of resurrection- sunflowers growing on an abandoned lot that is home to a decaying church. It was a gift from it's artist, an man named Jimmy Heath who taught me what resurrection looks like in the world around us.

I met Jimmy first in high school when he came to talk to a group of us about his experiences and photos of the annual protest against the School of the Americas. I got to know him better in college, volunteering on a project for him at his Center for Community Photography in Over the Rhine, in Cincinnati.

Jimmy's story is an amazing story that brings me to my knees. He came to Cincinnati homeless and addicted. He resurrected at the Drop-inn Center, developing his photography and passion for community. I didn't know Jimmy at the depths, on the cross. I knew the risen Jimmy, who gave neighborhood kids their first art experiences, who was humbled by the power of expression, who shared what he had as a community leader. As the editor of Street Vibes, he taught me to look for the voice of the people society tries to hide everywhere I go.

I found out on Maundy Thursday, in the emotional throes of Holy Week that Jimmy died in 2007, almost 18 months ago, and I didn't know.

By way of a friend, I heard the Rev. Lynice Pinkard say that resurrection is life from loss. The loss of an active faith community inspired new plant life to bloom in the neighborhood. In Jimmy, the loss if so much in his life was transformed into leadership and vision for a community.

As I have tried to live at the mouth of the tomb this week, it is through witnessing the resurrection if Christ reflected in the resurrection in the world- like Jimmy- that give me the hope, the courage, the passion, and the vision will need to live a minstry of resurrection.

In memory of Jimmy Heath and all he gave to the world. I hope some day I can honor his legacy.

Prayer for holy week

2009-04-07T14:01:00.001-07:00

This morning at PSR's chapel service, Rev. Jim Mitulski and his MCC colleagues prayed us into Holy Week. The music split open my soul and revealed to me my hunger for the story because I see the story around me all the time ... Rev. Jim pushed us to embrace those reflects and speak the good news ontotjose places. This week as I walk the story, I pray that it transform me for a lifetime vocation that speaks the truth of the suffering, death and resurrection to the world.

walking the week

2009-04-06T09:38:00.001-07:00

yesterday jesus rode into to jerusalem on the back of a donkey. by the end of the week, we will walk the rituals that commemorate his death on the cross.

yesterday's sermon at mbcc, delivered by mr. moderator himself, challenged us to see the whole story. when we wave our palms and sing hosanna, we do so in full knowledge of what comes next--and in full knowledge of the truth that Jesus spoke that lead to the cross. as the crowds cheered, jesus defended them to the religious authorities and then:

"As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. The days will come on you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God's coming to you."

luke 19:41-44

we don't always get what we want, but we just might get what we need.

when the crowds cheered jesus, did they want a messiah that wept for their city? no, they awnted one that fought for their city.

when the religious authurities took their concerns that the populist hero, did they want to be challenged and turned away? no, but they sure needed to be.

bruce challenged us yesterday to not just look for what we want in faith, but to be open to what we need. as i walk throguh holy week this week, this will be at the forefront of my process as i continue to discern what the next step in my call to ministry might be. i say i want to commit to God in new ways. i say i want to continue to learn how to be a pastor. but do i realize the depth of that need, and am i open to the surprising ways God might make that happen? or am i focused narrowly on what i want?

When there are no more hoops

2009-04-03T20:56:00.001-07:00

My life in the last three years has seemed to be an unending series of bureaucratic steps, beginning with the application to seminary. Housing forms, financial aids forms, ordination forms, entrance interview, exit interview, interview I didn't realize was an interview. Paper, exam, form, rinse and repeat.

In some ways, this structure makes it easy to make meaning in my life. A hoop gets jumped, I feel like I have made progress and grown, and I feel valuable. Sometime soon (ish) the hoops will be gone.

A wise moderator once said that the institution doesn't give us meaning, only God does that.

True, but how easily we give ourselves away and look for our meaning in the wrong places.

I find this a distinction I need to keep in mind as a ponder and pray about the next step in my ministry. As it is easy to give away my meaning and find it in the hoop jumping, it would be east to look for a call from the church instead of a call from God.

jesus vernacular

2009-04-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

i need to get to know my bible better. i wanted to start this post with a reference to the paul quote about being like the gentiles among the gentiles, like the jews among the jews, etc.... but i can't find it. ah well.

last sunday, i lead the prayers of the people at mbcc. not my favorite gig. it is a mix of MC/spiritual leader/interpreter for the congregation. we take joys and concerns from anyone and then ask that the whole community keep them in prayer, but that one particular person pray for that concern during the week. it is a cool system that keeps some accountability and real relationship as a part of the process. but for the person leading this process, it means that you have to repeat back the prayer request, get a volunteer and distinguish from people who are raising their hand for the next request and people who are raising their hand to volunteer to be the pray-er.

because of these many juggling functions and roles, it makes me nervous. plus, i don't feel very good at praying out loud on the spot (does anyone feel confident about that?).

so, last sunday, one person's request went something like this:

"i want to thank Jesus for helping us find an apartment that was even better than we had hoped"

my response:

"that is so exciting. who doesn't understand that feeling in the bay area. finding that great place to live, esp. when it is better or cheaper than you had hoped for is... like magic!"

peanut gallery response:

giggling from back corner (i deserved it).

insert foot in mouth.

pointed out after church:

"it's not magic. it's um... God."

chew foot.

well yes, that is our shared theological assumption. we thank God for our blessings. gifts are not magic, they are the movement of God among us.

what i notice happens for me is that i have the language i use in my head. not everyone else gets it. for me, magic is an active engagement in the world, the movement of the Spirit. in my head, it works out that way b/c of the vernacular i have grown up using and they varying ways that cultures understand "magic" that sometimes closely approximates the movement of the Spirit. yes, there are people who believe in magic as such.

whatever. i can justify my use of my own language all i want. we all make sense to ourselves (most of the time) in our own heads, before we put our thoughts into the world. but when we cross that threshold of articulating anything abstract in concrete words, we have to be conscious of the way words and used and how they will be heard.

i am not very good at the jesus talk. i don't have standard jesus vocabulary. sometimes that is fine. sometimes it can be a strength in talking about God to people who don't use or know the vocabulary either. but, when in the spaces and places where the jesus talk is used, i need to adapt and learn the language.

Rock solid

2009-03-23T09:21:00.001-07:00

Today I returned to a place that has not changed at all since I went there when I was very small. It fluctuates with the seasons but it's structure and essence remain the same.

This creek has always been a cleansing place for me. I take comfort it it's solidity, feeling my soul settle as I melt against the side of one of it's boulders... The very same boulder that I look at all the time in a snapshot of my best friend and I during the summer before high school. Though I have changed and grown, it appears to have remained the same. This boulder, this creek is dynamic, just with a different sense of time than I have.

Why is stability so comforting? My soul aches to follow Jesus, to find a call befitting that path, but it is not a path of stabilty. My life is more likely to be like a stick that drifts past the boulder, pausing in pools, rushing over rapids, careening past drops, than the boulder itself. My savior is one who had no place to lay his head. He was a sojourner who carried what he needed with him in his heart.

I fear needing to do the same. I thrive on change yet am driven to anxiety by it at the same time. This life I am called to may be nothing like what I imagined, but the hope of the calling is that through true disciplship, it will be richer than I could gave imagined. Those shifting sands may be nothing like the boulder my soul calls for, but one day I may learn to find the same comfort there that my boulder provides.

psalm 19 sermon

2009-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i preach at bethel community presbyterian church in san leandro. the scripture chosen for me was psalm 19, which if you have been reading lately, i feel spoke deeply into my experience at the commission on the status of women. and so, here is my what i am starting from as i work towards tomorrow morning. i am going to try to be brave, preaching from notes or nothing at all, and trying to have fun with a congregation that i am told will talk back to me. so this was simply step one in the preaching process... getting all the thoughts into some kind of organized whole as a jumping off point.

beware the length.

* * *

The work of God is woven into the very fabric of the world. So often we do not see the threads that demonstrate that work, we simply see the blessings that result, not realizing we should be grateful to God. Psalm 19 tells us that God’s voice is present without words, but the voice is not heard.

The same can be said of the work of women. So often, in many places, it is women whose work is invisibly woven into the success of their families, their communities, their countries. Their voice cries out, without words, and is ignored.

I had the privilege of spending last weekend at the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women with as a part of the Presbyterian delegation, with women from the National Network of Presbyterian College Women, Racial Ethnic Young Women Together, and Presbyterian Women. The Commission happens every year, convening for international discussion on the status of women in general and a particular theme in particular. Equal sharing of care giving between the genders, particularly in the context of HIV/AIDS, was this year’s theme. The Presbyterian delegation’s presence, like the presence of other non-governmental organizations, was to advocate for women using a faith based perspective, out of the experiences of women’s lives in our communities and ministries. To do this, we worked with a group called Ecumenical Women that brought together many denominations to provide a more powerful, progressive voice. This group represented denominations, churches and ministries from all over the world, and women from across the globe started every day at the CSW in worship together.

Advocacy is not the only function of the CSW. Women from all over the globe also come to New York City to share stories, to network, to build global community. Many of these stories, like the voice of God present in the heavens and the firmament, are not heard often, if at all. This is a place for them to be voiced.

As HIV takes its toll, transforming into AIDS, and parents can no longer care for themselves, girls are often the children who stop going to school in order to care for their parents and the family. In places where the HIV infection rate can be as high as forty percent, people can feel so stigmatized by their status that they refuse to leave their home at all. One woman who ran a Lutheran ministry that supports AIDS patients in Colombia told of families gathering when someone is diagnosed with cancer. Support is shown, love is shared. They circle the wagons to protect, support and love one of their own. When someone is diagnosed with HIV, it is conflated with morality and no one gathers. The infection is sometimes even assumed to be punishment from God for not following God’s law.

Psalm 19 really challenged me to try to see where is God’s law here. These are not situations that inspire the rejoicing we see in this Psalm. Souls are dying, not reviving. Eyes do not seemed to be enlightened. Instead we seem to be feeling around in the dark for a solution.

This is not God’s law. This is mistaken as God’s law. But, because the stories of love and care are not voiced, these oppressive theologies remain intact. This evens happens here. Men in the early stages of the epidemic here didn’t always know how to deal with the disease through their faith. It is not unheard of that someone would stop life saving treatment because they saw their disease as punishment from God for their homosexuality. Needless lives were lost because we didn’t give voice to God’s law. Today, African Americans are the fastest growing group of new infections in this country, and AIDS is the leading cause of death for African Americans between the ages of 25 and 44. Where is the voice of the church, speaking God’s law into this situation?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told us he came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. How did he fulfill it? By healing the sick, associating with the outcast, touching lepers, talking to women, welcoming children.

To fulfill God’s law in the struggle of women and the fight against AIDS, whether here or abroad, is to stand with those who suffer, do what we can to ease their suffering, and speak God’s love into the spaces that we can. We can always be better at doing that as individuals and as communities. The church can be better at doing that. When we approach these issues according to the law of God, we bring the transformative love of Jesus Christ into the world, enabling us to live in hope.

God’s work has to be recognized for us to see God’s law and live accordingly. So is true of the work of women. We must see the work of women to be able to respond and empower them in accordance to the laws of God, not the laws of men. One cannot happen without the other.

When we recognize the work of God, when we live by God’s law, we can approach these problems, support women in their work, care for those with AIDS and empower them to live fully as God calls them to, then our eyes will be enlightened, our souls revived, and we will rejoice. When we recognize God’s true law in the love of Jesus, life will taste sweet, dripping with the finest honey from overflowing hives.

And so I close with that hope, and the prayer at the end of this Psalm: may God clear us of hidden faults, that we may be blameless and innocent. May the words of our mouths, the meditations of our hearts, the love of our souls and the work of our hands be pleasing to God, not just within our faith communities, but in the world. Amen.

Work to do

2009-03-10T06:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I had the privilege of sitting in on the language recommendations negotiations for the Agreed Conclusions of the Commission on the Status of Women at the UN.

Tiny bit of background: the CSW does not write treaties that have the weight of international law. They simply make policy recommendations.

So, it seems to me that there is little risk involved in using strong language. What is the harm in being hopeful about what our country can do in terms of gender equity in general and equal sharing of responsibility for care giving in particular? Apparently a lot.

The three or four times we heard the US delegation speak, it was to weaken the verbs. For example, they want to change "ensure the protection of workers" to "strengthen the protection ..."

Really??!!?! These are just recommendations! What is wrong with recommending the protection of workers as opposed to recommending you do a little better job at protecting workers? I can think of way too many snide, snarky and cynical answers to that question.

The bottom line: we are not a global leader for gender equity. Far from it. There is plenty of work to do and I am in for the fight.

reunion

2009-03-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

when you see a friend you were once intimate with, years after that intimacy, there is often a warming up period. feeling each other out. seeing ho the other person has changes. testing to see if old patterns still work. and after a little bit of time, you get in the groove. you smooth out the awkwardness. you sit closer. you lean in. you move in ways that feel familiar and new at the same time.

art and i are this way lately.

there were times in my life, lovely privileged times as an art student, when i went to three or hour art museums in a couple of days. or gallery after gallery. or returned to the same show just to sit in the presence of a piece i had built a relationship with. and yet, i haven't spent time looking at art, strolling through images, swimming with colors, wrestling with concepts, for months. the dry spell has been too long. and so as i approached the armory show today, i stumbled through the first awkward moments. but then, i was addicted to the relationship again. despite my feet hurting, my tummy growling, the crowds, the prices, the pretentiousness, i kept going and going. just one more row of galleries. just around this corner then i will leave. just... just... just...

the original armory show towards the beginning of the 20th century introduced the united states to modern art. this was before we fancied ourselves as the center all of things art. it was groundbreaking. it was moving. it shattered perceptions of the visual, perceptions of culture. the changes it brought reached far deeper into american culture than just fine art.

the current armory show (international fair of new art) does not live up to that radical ideal, but it is likely the most interesting collection of current art i have ever seen. at first i was confused... there are two piers that included work--92 and 94. 92 held modern work... and it was ok. there were exciting pieces that were new to me, but much of it was mediocre examples of incredible artists. i almost left before hitting pier 94. 94 held all the new art. this is a show i would come back to new york to see again... just for this. galleries from at least three continents were present (they could have been a little more gobal than they were) but i felt challenged and inspired by what i saw. people are pushing the boundaries, reinventing what we thought was old and traditional (kinda like we are doing in the church). asia seems to be the new center. from my perspective, american art it no longer on that front edge. it will be interesting to see if another city replaces new york in this century the way new york replaced paris in the last century.

blah blah blah. i realize i sound self-important and like i know more than i actually do. i apologize. it comes form love and admiration. and the hope that i can learn to push the envelope artistically too.

my first day at the united nations

2009-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

overwhelmed does not even begin to cover it.

after getting a temporary UN badge, i turned a corner and was greeted by a chagall stained glass window. took my breath away.

"The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes. "

psalm 19:8

the theme of this commission on the status of women is the equal sharing of care giving between the genders, particularly in the context of HIV/AIDS. we sat in a room among women on the ground in the middle of the pandemic in Africa who were asking women in the north (their label, not mine) in the churches to use the power of their voices to ensure that funding gets to the women doing the grassroots work. i didn't realize my voice had that kind of power.

listening to the delegation appointed by the new presidential administration--who have begun work but still have to be confirmed by the senate--i was deeply aware that our country has already made changes. climate change is being dealt with differently. family planning in global conversations is being dealt with differently. the intersections of the economy, housing, health care, jobs are understood and none of the problem are being dealt with in isolation. the voices of the NGOs in the room were heard and some brilliant women from many sectors are working in the united states on these global issues.

we sat in a conference room, listening to ear pieces, hearing statements from delegates from all over the world--new zealand, burkina faso, cuba, united kingdom, paraguay, the democratic republic of the congo. my first time in a diplomatic space, i had to reorient my thinking about what i was hearing. at first, i felt like i was being sold a used car, being told versions of the truth. then i realized what was at stake, and at least this conversation was being had. there are other places in the UN to hold governments to account for what the say and the promises they make in these hopeful statements.

after all of this, sitting in the UN chamber, where colin powell told the international community that iraq had weapons of mass destruction, where the president of iran criticized the last administration, where the seats rotate so that no countries have priority, i started to think about the way we are challenged to be. gender equality is God's way, it is God's law. the value of each individual's rights, talents and contributions as God made us is God's way, it is God's law. when those laws give birth to the beautiful movements i saw today, all around the globe, my heart is filled with joy and my eyes are enlightened.

the law of the Lord is perfect...

2009-03-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

... reviving the soul. psalm 19:7

i am at the united nations commission on the status of women in new york this weekend. being able to even be in the presence of an international conversation like this is beyond my dreams in so many ways.

i arrived this evening, just in time for the de-briefing dinner of ecumenical women, who gathers all the faith-based advocates for cooperative work. they used lots of lingo i didn't understand, and i felt lost, in a strange position of limbo in the church. but hearing a woman from halfway around the world express humor-filled frustration at being at a bible study full of patriarchy and without context showed me that there is so much for me to be inspired and empowered by this weekend. i hope to have many of my inner myths busted and to continue to grow in the way i understand the world i hope to minister to.

when i return, i will preach on psalm 19 at bethel presbyterian. reading it this evening, i realized that the presence of many (all?) of the Christian women here in the spirit of this psalm. knowing that the law of God is good and just--to all people, women and children equally included--they are fighting for a world where those laws are upheld.

the preaching life

2009-03-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

on sunday, i preached on the setting of the beatitudes and was surprised what i found. i didn't look at my notes, once, but spoke from my heart and what the Spirit had prepared for me (i hope it was the spirit?)... and i wonder, because it was a short sermon, that missed some of the "points" i wanted to make, and it was without well crafted words, if this is what i should do, or if i should be preaching straight from polished transcripts...

thoughts?

here are the ntoes i constructed that i didn't use...

Having grown up in a fairly standard Presbyterian church, and going to Sunday school every week until middle school, there are few Sunday school lessons I remember. They all blur together. But, the Beatitudes I remember. We learned about them in second grade I think, and we each were assigned a Beatitude. Then we had to draw it. Using little symbols, we had to express the words of the Beatitude in picture. I had "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God." So, obviously I drew a heart, and some eyes. I don't know how I got pure across, that is tough one. That little exercise burned those words onto my heart. Ever since then, the Beatitudes have been central to my understanding of God... and yet I am not sure I understand them at all.

These first two verses are the brief introduction to the Beatitudes, and the whole Sermon on the Mount, a defining teaching for many Christians. This is the Gospel within the Gospel, the Word within the Word. And it was taught on a mountain, not in a synagogue, not in a temple. Just before Jesus goes up the mountain, we hear that he had been teaching in the synagogues and healing people. The crowds that followed him grew and grew. And he went out to them.

The setting of the mountain is very important. As we see from the Old Testament readings today, God showed up on the mountain a lot. It is where God gave Moses the law. God called Elijah on a mountain. Micah encourages his people to go to the mountain to learn. Matthew was aware of this tradition, and so Matthew places Jesus firmly in the context, in the narrative of the great Jewish prophets. Luke tells this same story, but sets it in the valley. Luke's is a sermon of the plain not a sermon on the mount. Matthew deliberately places Jesus in this tradition that includes the giving of the law to Moses on the mountain. But, at the end of the Beatitudes, we hear that he didn't come to abolish the law, or to bring a new law, but to fulfill the law. He is not as second Moses, rather he is the very embodiment of the law of God that can teach us how to draw closer to the God who loves us.

During Lent, we renew, recommit, reflect, and repent. This can be a dark process. We remember the temptation of Jesus during this time. It is not pretty to face our failures, our weakness and even our inner ugliness. Ash Wednesday can be painful. But, Jesus offers hope.

This is the very story of the incarnation. Jesus went to the people where they were, as they were. When he saw the crowds, when he saw the multitudes, he went to them. He did not invite them into his house, into his temple, or into his church, he went to them. He did not invite them into a space that had limits, that would fill up, cutting off people from his message. In the tradition of Moses, of Elijah, he went to encounter God and teach about God on the mountain where everyone could here and see him, and encounter God for themselves.

In the same way, God, in the very incarnation of Jesus Christ, comes to us, meeting us where we are—even if it isn’t on the mountain—reaching out a hand, teaching us from wherever we stand. God continues to come to us, again and again and again by the movement of the Holy Spirit among us. God loves us too much to let us remain as we are, where we are. God comes to us to help us grow.

Whenever we recognize the presence of God teaching us, we have been to the mountaintop and sat at the feet of Jesus.

At the end of his life, at the end of his last public speech, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. expressed this reality of faith better than I can express it now. He said:

"Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter to me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop... I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., "I've Been to the Mountaintop"

Think about those times when you have encountered God, and that encounter taught you something. Reflect on the places where God has come to you and taught you something new. What are you mountaintop experiences? But don't let it stop there.

During this season of Lent as we seek to learn from the Beatitudes, let us travel to the mountaintop, sit and the feet of Jesus, see our promised land and open ourselves up to his teaching that will get us there.

so it begins

2009-02-26T00:16:00.000-08:00

in the last year, it has seemed that my life has followed the pattern of the liturgical year. during advent, i felt pregnant with the possibilities of my future ministry. now, i feel called by the purposes of lent.

recommitment.

renewal.

repentance.

i am on the cusp of transition, but fear i will lose myself before i make the change. i have been up and down and in and out with my faith and my call in the last three years. some days, some moments, i can articulate that journey, other days and moments, i hardly even notice the path. i need to recommit to this calling i chose to prepare for as i actually enter it.

i teeter on the edge of burnout. i feel like i am putting out fires all week, only to start with new fires at the beginning of another week. i have spent most evenings in the last two weeks on my couch with my laptop, writing paper, writing eZines, writing emails... after days full of running around. i find myself occasionally overwhelmed by the have-to's and thus unable to address the want-to's. i know i just need to finish school, and then readjust, but i do think i can change now. there is a way to make this work. i want to find it. i want to be renewed for the rest of the seminary journey.

i was recently told that i am often an abby-like blur on campus, rather than the full presence of myself. when i become that blur, it becomes all about me. what i need done. who i need to talk to. what steps i have to take to get ordained. which hoops i am jumping through this week. what is my theology, my vocation, my call, my context, my tradition, my, my, my. what about ours? what about my family? my friends? my neighbors? my community? i confess to navel gazing and hope to repent through this lent season. i don't know if my blog is the place to do that. i am not sure. i hope to blog everyday, because it is a reflective practice, and lent is also about reflection. but, it ain't about me. it's about God.

i will try to walk that tension for the next forty days. let me know how i am doing and what your suggestions are for turning my gaze upward, and outward for these last few months of seminary.

sabbath, yes i preached on that.

2009-02-23T22:41:00.001-08:00

i thought it was funny i got assigned "sabbath" as a preaching topic in mbcc's last series of faith words.

we always preach to ourselves first.

i finally get it. as i feel overwhelmed and overworked on my birthday, less excited that usual about what is ahead, i realize i need a sabbath. not just a day of rest, but a structure to live in that includes faithful rest. this will be what i try to take on for lent.

til then, here is the sorta transcript of the second version of my sabbath sermon that i preach at fruitvale presbyterian this past weekend.
____________________________
"hallowed time"

- Talk about M. and how she taught me how to spend time with God.
* Taking time anywhere to focus on God
* Building particular moments for God makes even the ordinary moments in her life directed by faith. It’s all about the structure you build.
* Islam has no Sabbath, no day of rest of worship, and dspite these differences, she taught me about Sabbath, about the importance of spending time with God.

- Let’s look at Jewish structure. Jewish tradition:
* Sabbath liberates. Deut. 5:12-15 connects Sabbath to Jewish history and remembering God’s freeing power.
* Sabbath is woven into the very history and identity of the Jewish people. Heschel says: “The seventh say is the exodus from tension, the liberation of man from his own muddiness, the installation of man as sovereign in the world of time.”
* Sabbath here is defined most thoroughly by what not to do. We are to remember the work of God in our rest. Heschel encourages the shift from focusing on the results of creation in our work lives to focusing on the mystery of creation in rest, from the world of creation to the creation of the world.
* The constructive instruction we are given regarding the Sabbath is to keep it holy. The Hebrew word for holy means literally “set apart.” We are to dedicate this time to God, to remember God in this time, but we are also to set this time apart. Contemporary Jewish practice sets apart Shabbat time in particular ways—prep for Sabbath, prayer and worship, lighting candles at the beginning and the end.
* Setting apart this time builds a structure for the week. Part of the week is spent preparing for Shabbat. We all know it takes a lot of work to take a vacation, or to catch up after returning home. Shabbat is like that... requires preparation.
* So, if in our own practice, Sabbath time is oriented toward God, and the rest of our time is oriented toward Sabbath, then our structure has made our entire lives oriented toward God.
* This changes our faith. This makes time holy. This opens us up to the movement of God.
* So now what do we do with this tradition?

- We turn to Jesus. Jesus transformed the tradition.
- Retell the story a little. Lessons:
1. Jesus followed the spirit of the tradition. The disciples would not have been able to focus on God if they were focused on their hunger. Despite their plucking grains appearing to be work, Jesus knew that “work” would accomplish the goal of the Sabbath.
2. Sabbath is not about us. It is not just a day given to pamper ourselves, to take a day off, to indulge. Sabbath is about God, it is about seeing God and being God in the world. Sabbath is not an excuse to ignore suffering, rather it is an opportunity to perhaps see it more deeply and respond more compassionately.
3. God doesn’t stop moving on the Sabbath. We are told to rest, and to remember when God rested, but we are not told that God rests every seventh day. Jesus reminds us that God is still moving and working even when we are not.

Sabbath is not out salvation. Nothing we “do” saves us. Rather, Sabbath is a gift from God, a tool that Jesus taught us to use, that frees us from some of the tyrannies of this world and allows us to build our lives around God.

Calvin noted that when life is good, we forget God. When life is bad, we cling to God, suddenly remembering God’s presence when recently we lived as if God didn’t exist.

Through Sabbath practice, we never live in ignorance of God. We never forget.

Sabbath time is the frame and foundation of a house or a building, around which everything else is oriented. It holds up the roof, it stays strong in an earthquake, and all the details—from doors, to windows, to where it is best to hang pictures on the walls, depend on this structure. When we truly practice Sabbath, we fit the details of our lives into a structure built to honor, remember and worship God, and in doing so, we make not just our Sabbath time sacred, but all of our time sacred, directing our whole lives toward God.

Sabbath is not about a particular time or place. There is no right way to spend holy time with God. Jesus transformed the Sabbath tradition and calls us to do so as well. Find the clues, find the lessons, find the tools you need to build the architecture of your Sabbath. Do what you need to do to make time that turns you most to God, so that you might see God, not just in Sabbath time, but in all time. Like Jesus said in Mark… “Man was not made for Sabbath, Sabbath was made for man.”

amen.

self determination

2009-02-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

in seventh grade, everyone had to do a project on a country of the world in geography class. we got to pick which country we studied, as long as no one else had already picked it. having always had a flare for and attraction to the obscure (or seemingly so), i chose sri lanka.

some of the things i learned from that project struck me so deeply that i hold onto them today, still probably fourteen years later. i learned that sri lanka was in a civil war that started the year i was born. i was amazed that a civil war could last so long. my only exposure to the concept was the war between the north and the south here, and by comparison, that seemed to be a neat and tidy war that wrapped up quickly.

i remember thinking about the tamil tigers and what they want. they are a minority, and want and equal voice. they didn't seem to be getting it as a part of sri lanka, and so they wanted the right to govern themselves. this seemed simple to me at the time. every one should get to exercise that right if they so desire. that is how our country was founded right? we wanted the right to self-determination, and we fought for it.

what i didn't understand in seventh grade, is that though that may be true, throughout our history, we have restricted the right to self-govern of other groups, lots of them, the world over. we keep sticking our nose in business where perhaps it just doesn't belong. even with that deeper knowledge, more complex view of the situation, the idealist in me still says that everyone should have the right to self govern. it affirms our most basic human dignity.

and so i am saddened to still see this island's civil war in the news. it has been this way since i did that project. every few months, an attack or a battle would be a big enough deal to devote a paragraph to the incident on the second page of the world section, hidden by the fold of the newspaper. the media claims the end of this war is in sight. but will the war really be over until everyone in that country feels like a dignified citizen with a voice? will our conflicts around the world end until that happens?

we only control our own destiny to an extent. in 2004, about 35,000 people died on this island in the tsunami. the waves did not distinguish between who was on which side of the conflict. the tsunami indiscriminately swept people to their deaths. in a world where this can happen, we crave control and agency over our lives. it gives us person hood, identity and a sense of stability.

how can we ensure that everyone feels like a person?

i am superwoman

2009-02-21T00:26:00.000-08:00

erasing all evidence of myself from our last apartment, wondering why anyone ever prefers white walls to any color, and admiring the way that brushstrokes give life to the color "linen," i jammed alone to a playlist entitled "girls who kick ass" on my hot little iPod. it gave me the grace of alicia keys' superwoman.

everywhere i'm turning nothing seems complete

i have learned to pick up and move at the drop of a hat. me, who lived in the same home from age five (or four?) until college (and even returned for a post-wedding week with my husband while we waited to close on our house). i who just three weeks ago went to the second dentist i can ever remember going to. i have always loved to travel but have always needed a home. i have learned to make home in whatever corner of the world i occupy at the moment. but that doesn't totally fulfill my need for home, for roots, and now i find my self unsure of where those roots will go down and when.

still when i'm a mess, i still put on a vest with an s on my chest

settled or unsettled, out into the world i go. reading, writing, drawing, preaching, feeding, typing, listening, wondering, hearing, loving, learning, screwing up. but i don't go alone.

and all my sisters coming together saying yes i will, yes i can.

a year ago at this time, i was coming out of a seminary performance of the vagnia monologues that i helped produce. i was surrounded by women that i learned from, who inspired me, who make me want to be a better, and who have made me a better minister (when/if i get to have that title). reflecting on that, i realize how often when i struggle with who i am, what i am doing adn where i am going, i am not alone. all my sisters come together in my memories, in my bones, as i struggle, and it is by the collective power of their passion, compassion, love and strength, that i can say, yes, i will, yes, i can.

so even though i am not a part of a v-day celebration this year, i live grateful to all my sisters, and the women who have come before me, who have made me who i am and who give me the strength to muddle through to become someone better.

words in italics are some of the lyrics from superwoman. buy the song. seriously.

exposed brick

2009-02-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

i have been to the dentist twice in two weeks, and will go back again this week. check up, step one of crown, and next week, step two of crown. ick. the good news is, i love my dentist's office. the people are great too, but i really do literally love the office.

it is in the middle of downtown oakland. from the outside, it is a non-descript store front with a very small sign. but, when you walk in, the space is warm and inviting. it is a mix of textures, and open and closed space. sitting in the dentist chair, i got to look (when i wasn't looking at the tv) at an exposed brick wall. on either side of me were standard office walls, but they only went up eight feet or so. after that, the space opened up into a second story criss-crossed by beams and capped off with a ceiling painted with a blue sky and scattered with skylights to allow as much natural, anti-institutional light to reach those nervous in their dental chairs. maybe space doesn't have this effect on everyone, but it certainly made my visit to the dentist much more pleasant.

looking at the exposed brick, i was recalling my favorite patch of exposed brick... in my cozy house in cincinnati. it was a re-develop by a community development corporation that strips the insides of the house down the to exterior walls, finishes the outside, finds a buyer, and works with the buyer to renovate the inside. our senior year of college, my most talented husband designed the inside of our first.

the fascinating part of this process was working with an existing shell, yet building something that reflecting who we were. the house was charming on its own. underneath the new walls as layers of wallpaper that date the different trends the structure has lived through. famous rookwood tiles surround an original fireplace. a second chimney, without a fire place, climbs the west end of the house. a stairway in the middle brings light from the third floor to the first. the rooms at the top of the stairs fit into the gables, filling the nooks and crannies with usable space under the sloped roof.

and that is just before the work was done. using all of this as resources to be transformed, my husband brought even more texture, even more light, even more life into the house. in the bedroom, he left the brick from the chimney exposed. by adding a bamboo floor and built in shelves, he created a room rich in texture that was hold together by the warm tones that the shelves, floor and wall shared. each room is like this--incorporating parts of the home's architecture that predated us into a new design that creates a richer environment for us to live in. without either the old or the new, there wouldn't be the dynamism that the house has.

so as i am pondering all of this in the dentist's chair, looking at my exposed brick wall and sweating the upcoming dental procedure, i wonder why it can be so hard for us to learn this lesson about the church. the architecture of our traditions are a rich resource that will inspire new, exciting, and fresh designs that allow a dynamic faith to live where nothing used to. this is what keeps the church alive across decades, centuries and millenia... the ability to incorporate the structures and details of the previous manifestation of the building into the new design of the community.

and yet, when the church is dying or dead, when it is on its last legs, nothing but a shell of what it once was, waiting for its next occupant, we hesitate to be creative. we hesitate to not just rebuild what was there before.

we should jump in, using what we have to inspire new, creative life that may only barely resemble the former manifestation of the church, but that will be no less glorious.

for awhile, i was pondering new church development (NCD) as my "call," after all, i am working for what was until recently an NCD and thrive on the space i am given to be creative and love making something from nothing. my artistic nature perhaps?

and yet, this rebuilding, this particular kind of architecture that requires the blending of the old and the new energizes me in a particular way. perhaps my call is to redevelopment/transformation/change making in existing communities... however you want to label it.

where i am

2009-02-07T18:48:00.001-08:00

times of disorientation, when i feel more like staying where i am, than moving forward or backward. at least i know where i am now. it may be a mess, but it is my mess, my predictable mess, the mess that i understand. not long ago, i wanted to get out of seminary as fast as i could. now, i long for every last moment of every class, every last drop of insight, every formative relationship, every minute that i know that though i am in ministry, i am not the one in charge. i can always pass along the big stuff, the annoying stuff, the unmanageable stuff, to someone more capable.

this, it seems, may not be so sooner than i expected. but of course, i don't really know.

at the same time as i seem to be coming of age professionally (or on the verge of doing so), i am coming of age in new ways personally. the global economic shifts have caused personal shifts, and there is no one to pass the responsibility along to. i must deal.

i know where i am know. i do know where i will be or what i will be doing six months from now, and the fear has set in. it seems that times of fear are times when we might need our faith the most. can mine stand up? can it practically support decisions i must make about how much to spend or not spend, how long of a lease to sign, how to negotiate my future, when to grow up?

i am counting on God being bigger than my imagination right now.

exegesisfest09

2009-01-29T01:15:00.000-08:00

ephesians 4:17-32 in my own 100 words or less:

The walk of faith sets us apart. No longer follow the crowd in the darkness of ignorance, alienation and arrogance. You learned of Christ, heard the good news and were taught to begin again, a fresh start, taking off the old and putting on the new. This new person was created by God—holy and in right relationship. Be true to this person—a sealed, baptized, believer in Christ—by giving truth, hard work, encouragement, love, grace and forgiveness, as God gave you, to each other for the growth and the good of the body of Christ.

ode to the public

2009-01-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

a ninety year old african-american woman died, having seen president obama take the oath of office, but before his speech finished.

this i know from overhearing two folks (presumably family members) planning her funeral at a bar this afternoon.

this is why i love the public. if i had been studying at home, i would never have heard this story. i never would have gotten a deeper glimpse into the significance of the inaugaration.

most often when i see God, i am on the bus, on the BART, in a bar, in a park, in a coffeeshop, on the street.

i want to spend less time in my apartment and more OUT!

rev. dr. MLK mash-up

2009-01-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

yesterday at MBCC, nick explored the word justice in his sermon, and i was charged with doing a communion liturgy (minus the magic must be ordained to say words) that integrated a remembrance to dr. king as well. and so, i can't claim original writing on much (if any) of this, but i mashed up john 13, online resources from dr. king, and a prayer from the book of common worship. let me know if you want the break of of what is what.

* * *

When we come to this table, we don’t always tell the whole story of the last supper. Often, we remember what Jesus did for us, but not what Jesus did for others.

In account of the last supper in the gospel of John, before they broke bread, Jesus wrapped a towel around his waist, poured water into a basin, and knelt at the feet of his disciples. Despite their protests, he washed each of their feet and said:

Do you understand what I have done for you? You call me teacher and Lord, but and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you should also wash one another’s feet. I have set an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. understood what Jesus did for us. He followed the pattern, and by doing so, gave us new ways to follow the pattern as well.

Listen audio from the King center here.

Let else develop the dangerous unselfishness that Dr. King encouraged and let it be fed by the Spirit of God present at this table.

Words of Institution/Breaking Bread etc. Bruce style

Serve communion

Prayer after communion:

God of grace,
you renew us at your table with the bread of life.
May this food strengthen us in love
and help us to serve you in each other.

Give us the strength to respond to this charge that Dr. King gave to us, the night before he died:

Let us rise up tonight with a greater readiness. Let us stand with a greater determination. And let us move on in these powerful days, these days of challenge to make America what it ought to be. We have an opportunity to make America a better nation.

We ask this in the name of Jesus the Lord.

Amen.

behold a new thing

2009-01-17T16:33:00.001-08:00

the 2009 earl lectures at approaching fast and the theme... behold a new things: emerging expressions of faithfulness... is frustrating me. i am pondering space design ideas for the lectures and for worship, and find my self frustrated because in fact, nothing seems like a new thing.

and the passage for the closing worship (the valley of the dry bones from ez. 37) is one i love... for its literal imagery. which seems to be getting me no where.

so yesterday, after a brainstorming meeting at PSR, i played with paint along this theme. it felt so good to get back into it. it has been months. i didn't realized how starved i felt until i was covered in paint.

here's what i've got. let me know what you think, or if you have ponderings.

presence matters

2009-01-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

next to this image were the words "golden state warrior".

helicopters buzz over head. storefronts and apartment buildings are boarded up--even though they are in use. the day care center down the street that is usually buzzing at 4 pm stood silent this afternoon with a sign: either pick up your child no later than 3 pm or do not bring them today.

the sign worked. the art worked.

last night, johannes mehserle was arrested and charged with homicide--unusual when a police officer commits a violent crime.

another protest was planned for 4 pm today, with plenty of police presence and civil control planned as well. i had to be in san francisco this afternoon, during that time... but walked to 14th and broadway to take the BART at the very time it was scheduled to start. didn't see much. did pass the artwork above and a cnn truck. lots of posters with oscar grant's face, demanding justice and promoting the protest. no foot traffic that seemed different than a normal afternoon. not even a cop presence, despite warnings that 14th street would be shut down all day long.

on my way home, i could not get off at two of my three BART stations because they were shut down. the station i did use was again quiet, with the exception of the news helicopters above. the macdonald's that a week ago was under assult via trash cans was dark, with its customary drive through line all the way to the street.

still, at last count, about there were fifteen broken windows and thrity damaged cars this evening.

all of the details make a community. these small things create the atmosphere in which i live. andi have been pondering, how do the presence of these details impact what happens?

what if, instead of boarding up windows, we asked customers to come hang out in the store for the duration of the evening?... make a party of it. what if instead of shutting down streets, we invited neighbors to look after each others cars? what if instead of telling parents to stay away, we asked for more presence from friends, neighbors and parents to ensure that our children always have safe place to received love and care while their parents work?

presence matters. we jump for the negative presence when we are afraid and forget what a positive presence can do. how powerful would it be for the city to warmly and lovingly stand by its neighbors to protect our community? it would be a much better memorial to oscar grant than boarded up windows, damaged cars, and inaccessible transit. he deserves better.

do something

2009-01-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

after my ridiculously long post, i decided to do something, and so emailed the mayor, the BART board of directors, and the BART police chief. PLEASE join me and do the same. ask for justice. I got all the info to do that here, from Colorlines.

even if you do not live in the bay area, it matters that you can about this, that you are paying attention to this. if you are from cincinnati, urge them to learn from our mistakes.

in memory of oscar grant III

2009-01-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

on january 1 of this year, perhaps even the first homicide of the year for oakland, a young man died with his face against the concrete on the platform of the fruitvale BART station.

from a gunshot wound.

from a cop's gun.

in his back.

i mourn the death of oscar grant the third. i grieve that his four year old daughter will grow into an adult without a father. i weep that his family is missing a son, his friends are missing a buddy, his church is missing a piece of their community, the world is missing him.

the same city and saw erupt on nov. 4 over the election of our fist african american president, i see erupt over the murder of a young african american man.

but what strikes me most is the familiarity of what is going on around me. in 2001, my senior year of high school, timothy thomas died from a gunshot wound to his back, from the gun of a cop named steven roach, on the streets of cincinnati. he was wanted for traffic violations. roach is still a cop, though no longer with cincinnati police... out in the burbs.

for cincinnati, as for oakland, it did not stop there, as it shouldn't.

thomas was the fifteenth in a string of deaths (not all shootings) of black men at the hands of police in about five years. what followed his death, and the subsequent inaction by the city, is alternately called protests, unrest, or riots, depending on your perspective. it made national and international news as race riots. there was marching. there were cops in riot gear, using tear gas, shooting crowds with bean bags. the city was put under curfew. information was incomplete even from close by. who knew if the news was telling the real story. as a high school student, i was unable to go to the neighborhood center where i usually tutored, as it was in the heart of the impacted neighborhood. i was frustrated that my parents and teachers would not let us continue to do what we do. i was fearful for the people i knew and loved in that neighborhood, but i sat comfortably far away. i was afraid of the cops. i had once walked through the riot cops downtown as they waited for protests against the WTO. not a protestor, downtown with my mother, we felt harrassed by one of the cops in his full gear.

but, the effects of the death of thomas, the pattern of abuse of power by the cincinnati police, and the community's response went far beyond that week in april. a significant rift, serious distrust, deepened between the police and the community. businesses in the impacted neighborhood took years to recover. and the deaths stopped. i do not know of a death at the hands of cincinnati police since (i could be wrong, i did move away). a liaison commission was set up between police and community, and this summer, when the NAACP met in Cincinnati for their national convention, they applauded the growth of the cincinnati police department. cincinnati is moving, growing and changing.

when i heard about the death of grant, i couldn't help but remember timothy thomas. when i heard that a peaceful protest shut down the fruitvale bart station, i was relieved that oakland seemed to be handling the rage better than cincinnati did. i thought this would be different. i thought that this powerful and organized community would be able to generate change and justice.

memory is often poor. in my emotional reaction, i forgot that the "riots" in cincinnati started this same way. looking out my window at a line of cops in riot gear moving down my street (where i didn't see any protesters), i remembered in my bones, the fear that i felt at eighteen. only this time, the cops were coming down my street.

theoretically, the cops were there to make me feel safe. to protect the people in the neighborhood from the mob in the streets. but what about when those in the neighborhood those the cops are protecting, are outraged too? also want justice? knowing what i saw in cincinnati, remembering the first time i came face to face with riot cops, i am much more fearful of the cops than i am of the protesters, than i am of the community.

the cops "have control" according to the news. the protesters are dispersing. they left my street because the mayor himself showed up on the street corner, not a hundred yards from my window, to talk tot he protesters, to walk with them, to try to negotiate in person. i never heard of anything of the sort coming out of city hall in cincinnati in 2001.

there is an investigation or two of three going on into grant's death. but, it has been a week and BART, the employer of the cop who pulled the trigger, "has not had a chance" to get a statement from him. and now he has resigned, and they have no way to talk to him.

on behalf of the family, a $25 million dollar wrongful death suit has been filed against BART.

through all of this, i have been pondering what justice is in this case. oscar grant III can not be brought back. his daughter will never again have a father. theories have been tossed about that the officer may have thought he pulled his tazer, and so the shooting was an accident. would that explanation bring any relief if it were true? would it be better for the officer to admit fear, aggression, or another motive for the shooting? will justice only be done if the officer is behind bars, if the family gets a $25 million payment? i do not know what can fix it... and i am a mere observer from afar. i cannot imagine what would "fix it", make it right, give to each their equal due, for those close to grant.

i do know that each and every one in this community should not stand for the death of anyone at the hands of cops, especially those most vulnerable, most likely to be murdered by those in power--young black men. no one in this country should stand for it. we should all be outraged. we should all demand justice.

My cloud

2009-01-05T14:42:00.001-08:00

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1

I am not a big fan of the artwork of jim dine but went in high school to a large retrospective at the cincinnati art museum anyway. Always in these situations I am surprised, because there i encountered a painting that has lived in my heart for the better part of a decade. It embodied this text from Hebrews. Though I cannot recall the title of the work, I can picture it clearly and recall the exact emotions of standing before it. It was almost exclduvely black paint and from far away recalled a swarm of bees or a giant flock of birds. Close up, the viewer sees that those birds of bees were names... Jim Dine's cloud of witnesses.

Being in the nati and Indy reminded me of the many many overlaping clouds that support me from that part of the world. returning to cali reminded me of the clouds that have formed here, much to my delight. without amy of these clouds, I would big be whom I am. Without all of them, I would be nothing.

So to all of you who are in those clouds in big and small ways, thanks for bringing me this far and I know that you will carry me farther, making the rest of the race possible

blog drought

2009-01-04T21:26:00.001-08:00

post my attempt at blogging daily (i went 18/24), i was feeling written out. trying to write daily was harder for me than i thought. making time for God daily was harder than i thought (and i thought it was hard), but trying to helped me to figure out how to integrate that time into my day. praying during the commute, looking for the voice of God around me, finding joy in worship, etc.

yet it has been over a week since i have posted. i am re-adjusting to being at home in california, preparing for greek intensive for the next three weeks, and making a good attempt at not working much over those same three weeks. and so the blog slid to the background. as i try to get back into the swing, bear with me. for the time being, i present my recent adventures in liturgical art. first advent...
and my current in process project. communion table dressing for a series on the word of God inspired, lived and proclaimed...

sermon in a box

2008-12-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

i was supposed to get home last night to be able to preach at a friend's church at 11 am this morning. alas, this was not to be as bad weather somewhere in the country screwed up southwest's flights everywhere in the country. and so, after posting, this sermon will go in a box for another time. here is what i had:

the nines for Christmas, led us past a man on his knees. In the posture of penance, he begged for the spare change of people who were throwing hundreds of dollars at corporate retailers--and he knew it. In my polite white anglo-saxon protestant nature, never wanting to be a rubbernecker, I side stepped him, knowing I had no change in my pocket. His clear voice rang out above the din of the shoppers, the voice of a prophet, maybe even the voice of God with us, "you can shove your bags in my face, but you can't give me change."

I sidestepped God tonight. I should know better.

Anna and Simeon did not sidestep God. They did not fail to recognize divinity in the most fragile of human forms. They listened to God, were in touch with the Holy Spirit, and so knew the Christ child when the saw him.

We rarely focus on these two characters in the Christmas story. They come after the shepherds, the manger, and all the other accoutrements of the scene that looks so nice represented on a Christmas card or on an ornament on our Christmas tree. I imagine that most of you could tell the story of Jesus being born in a manger and being visited by the angels in your own words, from knowledge deep in your heart, but probably few of you could tell this story. And yet, Anna and Simeon have so much to teach us about our relationship to the Christ.

The story opens with Mary and Joseph, proud and beaming parents, going through the religious rituals proscribed by their culture upon the birth of their first son. These are the exact same rituals that all new parents would go through. Nothing would have distinguished them from the crowd at the temple giving offerings. To the common observer, the would have looked just like any other young, first time parents—probably a little worn around the edges from the sleepless nights, but imbued with a joy that could not be suppressed even by the most sleepless of nights. But, somehow Simeon picked them out of the crowd.

What do we know about Simeon? Very little. He was religious and devout. He was so connected to the Holy Spirit that he believed he would see the Christ before he died. His friends probably thought him crazy. His family probably did too. They may have known about the prophecies of the Christ, but to assume that you have heard from God that you yourself would see the Christ? But he did. He waited, he found the Christ child, he prophesied about him to his parents, and then he was at peace with God.

Mary and Joseph marveled at what was said about him. They were new parents. They were probably still marveling at the way he yawned, he way he showed them he was hungry, the way he cuddled up on their chest and fell asleep. And in the midst of those tiny miracles, this man, how had never seen the child, who was without the benefit of the visit of angels or shepherds, was recognizing divinity in this small child. He recognized a Savior.

And then they encounter Anna. Luke’s description of her is more full than his description of Simeon. Anna is a widow, who has been without a husband much longer than she was ever with a husband. We know from other parts of the Bible that often widows were among the most helpless in Biblical society. They had no way of supporting themselves. If they were able to go back to their father’s home, they may find familial support, but not all widows could make it back. And so without a family to devote herself to, this widow devoted herself to God. She spent all of her time in the temple, worshipping, fasting and praying.

One thing stands out to me about Anna. While Simeon was told—directly by the Holy Spirit—that he would not die until seeing the Christ, his savior, Anna did not have the benefit of such a prophecy. She didn’t know she was looking for God manifest in an infant. She did not expect to see Emmanuel. But, she saw him anyway. She recognized him, out of the blue, wrapped in his loving mother’s arms. And her response was one of gratitude to God for this tiny child. But she did not stop there. She spoke the good news of this child to all who needed it. She preached about her encounter with Emmanuel, her experience of God with us, to all who needed redemption in Jerusalem.

Often when I look back at things that happened in my life—this incident with the man in downtown San Francisco, time of pain and fear over health crises in my family, healed relationships, that sort of thing—I think I can recognize God. In hindsight, I can see how God was working. But, Anna and Simeon did not need hindsight. They recognized Jesus while in his presence. They knew they were in front of the Christ just by looking at him. And so I am left to wonder how I can recognize the Christ and respond, right there on the spot and they did.

(questions I would have asked...) What stands out about Anna and Simeon that may have helped them to recognize this tiny baby as the Christ, the savior of Israel and all God’s people?

What can we do to recognize Jesus in our midst?

What is your response when you do recognize Jesus?

If I had recognized the presence of Jesus in that man that I walked around in San Francisco, what might I have done?

How are our lives changed when we recognize Jesus for what he is as Anna and Simeon did?

The passage from Isaiah that we read this morning guides us in thinking about one way we may respond to encountering the goodness of God. The end of chapter 61 describes that goodness, but in the beginning of chapter 6, the writer responds to what God has done. And it is a fairly simple response: he or she cannot keep quiet.

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,

for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,

till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,

her salvation like a blazing torch.

Just like Anna, after an encounter with Emmanuel, we cannot keep quiet. We must proclaim the good news that we have heard, seen and experienced. We must share the love of God that we experienced through Jesus with others, until it shines out like the dawn.

But, lets go back to this incident on the sidewalk. Preaching at this man would probably have not been the right response. Standing next to him and preaching at the crowd would probably have not been effective either. Proclaiming the gospel is not always done directly or with words. I could have found money to put in his cup. I could have stopped, dug through my pockets and given him what I found. Or, I could have simply stopped and recognized him, his plight and his needs. Given him a smile. Wished him merry Christmas. Told him I hoped it would get better and that I would pray for him, despite have nothing to give. Even without money, with the love of God, there is always something to give.

And so this Christmas my Christmas hope: that I can learn from Anna and Simeon, that I can cultivate a life of worship and prayer, so that when I encounter Emmanuel, I can respond right then and there, as God calls me to.

the art of racing in the rain

2008-12-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

The body and the mind are seamlessly who we are. The body and mind are equally important in our identity. To truly believe in God with us, a God embodied in humanity, is to also accept this truth about ourselves. To live in faith, to walk with God with us, we must live in and from both our body and our mind. I have always favored the mind. I cultivate it, please it, train it, teach it, rest it, care for it, value it. It is the part of me that I always felt defined me and so I favored it, seeing my body often a weaknesses, am impediment, something to be overcome or ignored.

But this Christmas, as I live with the appearance of God in the most vulnerable human form, a story, a narrative, a popular novel, showed me this truth and this flaw in my faith.
In The Art of Racing in the Rain, Enzo understands the fluidity of body and mind, the finds that to truly live is to live into that truth, surpassing the ego when harmony is achieved. Only then can you race in the rain.

The timing of this story showed me how little I trust my body, how I abuse my body, how I refuse to listen to it and even fight it. I should work with my body, cultivate it as I cultivate my mind, and consider it an asset, rather than an obstacle. This is a matter of faith. In I cannot trust my body, which I believe God made, how can I believe in and follow a God who was and is embodied? How can I learn to walk on this planet as Emmanuel did if I cannot acknowledge the physicality of that walk?

That first night, Jesus slept. His tiny, fragile, new body needed rest, just as my body needs rest now. He sighed, cried, breathed as I do. Without these and many more physical actions, he could not have been the spiritual being he was. Without these and many more physical actions, I cannot be the spiritual being I am called to be.

christmas question

2008-12-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

what i shall ponder during christmas...
what does it mean that the prince of peace is Emmanuel... God with us?

advent journeys

2008-12-24T18:34:00.000-08:00

i started advent in hopes of writing everyday, taking time out, slowing down and spending time with God, waiting.

i am still waiting. the eve of christmas, though bringing us the Christ child, does not bring me what i wait for... or does it? i long for direction, for stability, for a path to follow Jesus that i understand. what i miss that in this process of discernment, i am there, even as i try to get there.

the art of racing in the rain is a book written from the perspective of a dog named enzo (ironically the name of my parents' dog) whose owner in a race car driver talented at racing on wet tracks. from this trade, enzo has learned that to be in the present moment is often the way to best deal with the past and the future. this is what is required to race in the rain, without fear, with confidence and hope.

the insights of this dog teach me about my own journey. i can't get so busy looking ahead, afraid of what will come, that i miss where i am what i am doing, and am unable to react clearly to the bumps in the road.

if i sit in the stability of being on a journey, moving forward, if i find God in the movement, if i understand the ways that the Word is made flesh in the process, i can keep moving, even when i feel like i am still in advent, always waiting, and not quite there yet.

tail or wings?

2008-12-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

sitting around a kitchen table tonight, in a spot that i have occupied on and off for well over a decade, i debated whether the appropriate choice for an additional appendage would be a tail or wings. what would be the benefits and function of each? how would they look? the father of the house noted that we should not be drinking wine. we should be drinking coke. we should not be twenty-six, we should be eleven.

once or twice a year now, i have the pleasure of being with the other three quarters of the fearsome foursome all at once. friends since middle school (one i have be bff's with since kindergarten), we are scattered and never seem to occupy the same places two years in a row. we are sisters and friends. we are a part of each others families. we have laughed and cried. been to weddings and funerals. picked each other up from falling apart. laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

i learned love from my family. but i learned that you could choose to love people, long term, from these most fabulous ladies. there have been rough patches, big and small petty and dramatic, but it is in that circle where i pounded out my identity. sometimes, these three ladies bore the brunt of that process... and they kept on loving me anyway. they didn't have to. we are not related. i don't have to see them at christmas or the awkward family function. it would be easy to drift apart or break up, as happens with friends from long ago life stages. but we haven't. here we sit, each moving at different paces in different directions (with equal passion and verve) but all having paused to breathe each other's air, be recharged, to keep on keepin' on. they helped me discover who i am... gifts and liabilities, pretty and ugly... and keep shaping me today.

so in this week, when i ponder the love that brought God incarnate to walk among us, i experience that love around that table, in that circle as i carry it with my on my many sojourns.

i picked wings. kelly picked a tail. sarah can't imagine wanting a fifth appendage. and cathy is mystified that we brought it up at all. i think there was eye rolling as well.

ethical dilemmas

2008-12-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

everyday we are faced with ethical choices that we do not even recognize as such. we make value choices all day every day that honor life around us or do not... and often are not even aware that a choice was made. what we eat, what we wear, how we talk to each other, how we drive, how we entertain ourselves... all are either laden with dignity or not.

in that way, it is true that ignorance is bliss. when we don't know, we cannot feel guilty. we will not feel bad, we will not want to fight. and often the fight is hard.

today i went to the bodies exhibition. i went unsure of what to think or how to handle it. i had friends who had seen it and had mixed reviews. throughout the galleries, i moved quickly often reading more than looking at the specimens. but, each painful disease, each part, i wondered about the pain it caused to the life that it ended. i honestly wondered if the sum total of this exhibit would increase or decrease respect for life. i really didn't know.

then online, my intrepid husband reads up on it. what did we do before the internet. turns out there are serious concerns about the origin of the bodies and whether the people who died really gave permission for the display of their body. some may have been prisoners or other unidentified bodies. and an american corporation is making money on showcasing the remains of people who had no one to claim them, no one who loved them--or know one to claim or love them that knew they had died.

so in this season of advent, when i am looking for the word made flesh, i think i encountered it today, in the form of people who had died on displayed. if jesus is the least of these, jesus was there.

what do i do to correct it? what to do i do to right this wrong? how to i cultivate my own ethics, my respect for life, over and over again, so that i see the significance of those invisible moral choices everyday?

i am legend

2008-12-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

the world is quieter now. we can listen.

i am legend was not quite the movie that i thought it would be. not into vampire, crazy people creatures, esp. when there is some story about how they were once people. i am sure that those things will haunt me in my dreams now.

but, there was a theological gem tucked inside. the story surrounds robert neville and his three year fight against this virus that has taken over humanity. when all hope seems lost, a woman and child find him. their appearance coincides with finding a cure to the virus that can heal the "vampires".

at one point, this woman says that God sent her. and God is sending her to vermont. Will Smith (mr. robert neville) says there is no God. she holds out that God is speaking and the world is quiet enough now for him to listen. he dies in a literal blaze of glory after giving the woman the cure ot the disease and charging her to save the world. he said he was listening now.

so the theological gem? he had been listening the whole time. he may not have known it, but he was listening the whole time. he had an intense rountine that kept him sane. his scientific approach to a problem of humanity tested, re tested and re tested a treatment with courage. this would not have been possible if amidst the craziness, he hadn't heard a voice telling him it was possible. in the movie, that voice is bob marley singing "three little birds" but i also think, given the theological dialogue in the movie, the repeated practically biblical references to dark and light, that it is not too much of a stretch to say he had been listening the whole time.

and that is why... he is legend.

or, it is what i want to see in the movie b/c it was just a little too freaky, it is advent and i am looking for the small voice of God wherever i can find it. who knows.

but, i just may sleep with the lights on.

context

2008-12-17T21:05:00.001-08:00

landed in the midwest last night. a mere 24 hours later, i feel a little frustrated with myself.

i think i am a creature of habit more than i like to admit, but not in the ways that many people are. i don't have routines. i do not have to always have coffee or read the paper when i get up. i rarely get up at the same time each day. my schedule is too erratic. during the school year, no to days in a week look the same. and yet there are certain habits i have cultivated that keep me in a rhythm throughout the hecticness and randomness of my daily life.

i spend a lot of time alone in the car. takes me forty five minutes to get to school twice a week, next semester it will be three times a week (in january... five times a week). i live 20-30 minutes away from work, but sometimes, it is an hour commute in traffic. occasionally i go from school to work or vice versa and spend more than two hours in the car in a day.

this used to frustrate me, but i have found ways to spend that time well. often i sing. i have cds of songs that i love to croon to (some are jesus songs). i find music to be meditative... even when i am rocking out. singing usually leads to praying. and if that traffic is a moderate level of crazy, then by the time i get where i am going, i have re0charged what introvert batteries i have, spent some time with God, or prayed. california's cell phone law (only talk if hands free) has really helped this out.

i do not know how to translate those times and spaces when i am out of my routine. i do not know how to find space for myself, i don't know how to find time to pray, i do not know how to spend time with God.

i need to find a way to make that space wherever i go. i am inspired by the text that was the scripture for our sunday service:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 thessalonians 5:16-18

prayer is connected to having joy. a sense of gratitude is connected to having joy. God wants us to be able to live in joy. but it takes work. i have to be willing to do the work adn find creative ways for me to do it... habits be damned.

as i am outta my routine for ten more days, let me know if you have any ideas, suggestions, admonitions, thoughts or whatever that may help.

joy to the world

2008-12-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

we often tease that life is not all puppies, kittens and rainbows (esp. at snarky mbcc).

but sometimes, life is rainbows.

this week's advent theme is joy. the sermon, the candle lighting, and indeed the whole service on sunday focused on how joy is amidst struggle. as i was pondering this yesterday, i was driving through a winter "storm" in oakland. for those of you outside the bay area, when we say winter storm, we do no mean what the rest of the means. this is not blizzard condition, lake effect or otherwise, snow-falling-two-inches-an-hour-can't-see-past-my-headlights weather at all. we are talking heavy rain for part of the day, temperatures in the 40s, occasional hail and snow above 1000-1500 ft. not what i call a winter storm, but when in rome....

as i was rushing from one meeting to another, frustrated at drivers who don't know what to do in rain and furiously texting about my lateness, i was metaphorically stopped in my tracks by the most glorious rainbow i have ever seen. it arched completely across the sky. at its base, you could see through it to the hills behind, making it seem deceptively close. it was a complete spectrum, with the most brilliant purple i have ever seen in a rainbow. a faint second rainbow arced above it.

i am a sap. but that morning i was swimming in the post-charter emotions and excitement about the possibilities for my future ministries. i have had a fall full of both the best and worst of ministry that i have experienced so far, and many challenges. i have learned and i have grown, but there have been days i wanted to quit, days i wanted to cry and days i definitely didn't want to leave my bed--ever again. but with all of that, even in full awareness of the difficulty, the possibilities seemed endless and exciting.

and then the rainbow. being a seminarian and an increasingly dorky reader of scripture, i was taken to the story of noah. i am sure on that silly ark, he didn't always believe God would come through. he probably got bogged down by the weather, cabin fever, internal struggles, family drama... blah blah blah. but, God came through. God kept his promise.

i often don't think i would have fond mbcc without God. i know that i wouldn't have chosen ministry as a vocation without God. but those are not easy choices or easy places to be. but God keeps promises and covenants. God brings joy among the hard work, just enough to sustain me to keep on keepin' on.

so yesterday, life was all rainbows and i experienced the joy of a vocation of ministry.

"you are church"...

2008-12-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

... the charge that Rev. John Anderson gave mbcc upon its chartering this evening.

i remember writing my faith statement for confirmation class. i labored over each sentence. before the profusion of computers, we wrote them out by hand and then received a typed copy from the church. we read the statements out loud, in front of our classmates, the parents and the elder sponsors. it was powerful to publicly claim our beliefs and join a community where we could embody those beliefs.

yesterday morning, we sat in the mbcc living room listening to beautiful life stories and professions of faith. i felt blessed to be in the circle, to grow through relationships with the people around me. as i heard these statements from my peers, i was taken back to my first profession of faith. i am not sure that my thirteen year old self understood the significance of what i was doing. because i still hold membership in the church where i was confirmed, i have never had to state my faith in front of my peers to join a church. it was a great privilege to be able to be present and bear witness to these steps on these journies. it reminded me why we do what we do. folding bulletins, cleaning up the sanctuary, the most mundane of tasks are all in hopes of encouraging and enabling these moments. engagement in this community has been a gift that has brought me great joy.

today, i stood in the back of the sanctuary as we celebrated these steps and as a community, took a step in our own journey. in the course of one service, mbcc became a chartered congregation of the PC(USA), welcomed 12 new members, ordained its first elders, and installed its first pastor.

and celebrated the third sunday of advent--joy.

throghout the service, i was emotionally, spiritually and intellectually struck by the transitions the community was making and the rituals we were using to mark them. i am still overwhelmed with love for this this community, and gratitude to God for bringing me here.

urban hike

2008-12-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

an evening stroll through the sparkling streets of downtown san francisco, all lit and dressed to the nines for christmas, led us past a man on his knees. in the posture of penance, he begged for the spare change of people who were throwing hundreds of dollars at corporate retailers--and he knew it. in my polite WASP nature, never wanting to be a rubbernecker, i side stepped him, knowing i had no change in my pocket. his clear voice rang out above the din of the shoppers, the voice of a prophet, maybe even the voice of God with us, "you can shove your bags in my face, but you can't give me change."

i sidestepped God tonight. i should know better.

emmauel

2008-12-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

glitter jesus courtesy of amy borzio-andrews.

this morning, on an innocent walk through borders looking for journals for MBCC, i had a vision in the form of a plastic, glitter covered jesus bank.

yes, you deposit your spare change into jesus.

and i am without a good segue into what i really want to say about jesus, so here goes.

i have been pondering what jesus means to me lately. it has come up over and over again as something i need to articulate in faith statements, etc. and yes, my jesus is probably covered in glitter (but it would be purple glitter) but that is besides the point. for me, the dominant characteristic of the jesus who is a savior for me is jesus as emmanuel... God with us.

jesus is unique because jesus was a manifestation of God among us, with us, through is. divinity lived in a human body. divinity got cranky when he was hungry as a child, divinity needed to take naps. divinity required both time alone and time with people. jesus stubbed his toe, got hangnails, and gave hugs. he felt hunger and thirst. he gets it.

sitting in our closing ritual of our leadership class, i was reflecting on what gives me confidence to be a leader, what makes me able to get in front of a room full of people and preach, what alows me to talk to people i do not know and the answer is emmanuel. God with us. i don't think i could do ministry without an immanently present God. and often, God with us is what makes me able to get on a plane when i am scared, to say i am sorry when i am wrong, to relaize i am wrong, and to reach out in love to others.

God with us.

peace

2008-12-10T23:21:00.000-08:00

i had a flashback to high school this morning when i got dressed. i put on a long sleeved t-shirt, and over it a t-shirt with a fancy logo promoting a social justice cause. that was my school uniform for those lovely teen days. what an appropriate day for that to happen.

ten years ago today, i spent my evening at a teeny tiny candlelight vigil that my high school's chapter of amnesty international hosted every year in honor of the anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. this declaration goes far beyond our famed declaration of independence and far beyond our legendary bill of rights. the thirty articles provide protections that are necessary to the health, happiness, and dignity of each and every human being on this planet. these thirty articles were way a head of their time. they are way ahead of our time. many places, including this country of mine, do not give all of these freedom's to all of the people within their jurisdiction.

so what do we do? when i was in high school, i focused on my free energy on that very question. i wrote weekly letters all over the world demanding human rights for those with no voice (of course through our amnesty chapter). we made a giant banner (twenty feet tall) made out of copies of those kinds of letters to show the school what kind of work we did. we even wrote hundreds of names on the schools sidewalks of current prisoners of conscience. we formed a gay straight alliance at our school, to protect and accept those who could not fully be who they were on our campus. we tutored kids after school and rehabbed housing. i honestly have no idea where the energy came from.

to this day, i don't know what, if anything, changed about the world because of the efforts of some suburban kids in Ohio. maybe nothing. but i changed. we changed. these very activities were the activities that led me into ministry. this very history... my dirty hippie days, which some say are not over... keep me accountable about how i spend my time, now. i need to be true to the dignity God gave me by respecting the dignity of others and encouraging the systems of the world to do the same.

often, i feel i have stumbled off my soapbox. i look around and can't even find it amongst the trappings of my adult life. so today, on this glorious anniversary, i wrote a letter to a minister (not the kind of minister i might be when i grow up) in Sudan in response to an urgent action amnesty so gracious sent to my in box. i want to continue to do so. if i could write one a week in high school, i should certainly be able to write two a week today...

...if not more.

relief?

2008-12-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

i am supposed to feel this great big sigh of relief as the semester comes to a close. but somehow, i am still missing that feeling. i have a gotten a glimpse of it a couple of times, but then it flutters away. mostly i feel exhausted. i have bags under my eyes and am just plain tired and worn out.

i wonder about God's response to exhaustion, sluggishness and weariness. i am not very kind to myself when it comes along.

i also find it harder in this season with so much activity. it can be so hard to just stop and rest. when i do, i feel certain i have missed out on something or am dreadfully behind.

on sunday, leslie challenged us to use prayer mroe often as a tool for both inner and global peacemaking. i know she is right, and i know that is one of the few things i can do to battle the exhaustion that will not make me even more tired.

so this post is a prayer, for rest for all those who are tired, for energy for all thsoe who are sluggish and for strength for all those who are weary.

insomnia

2008-12-08T23:25:00.001-08:00

last night i couldn't sleep. i had two tests today. neither of which i was particularly concerned about (they were open book and last night, i figured if i haven't learned it by now, i am not going to). but even without conscious test anxiety, i could not sleep. i wanted to just jump out of bed and take the test that second. i so desired that feeling of finishing, i so desperately wanted that relaxation that could only come after the exams, that i just wanted to get it over with.

this ignores a big reality: that the tests themselves were experiences i could learn from and as such should not be rushed but relished.

but even with that attitude, even knowing that now, where do i find peace while i wait? it seems whether i am waiting for the good or the bad, the beautiful or the ugly, the exhilarating or the devastating, i only know how to wait in anxiety.

"see the home of God is among mortals. he will dwell with them; they will be his peoples and God himself will be with them. he will wipe every tear from their eyes. death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more for the first things have passed away."
revelation 21:3-4.

i wait for justice. i wait for healing. i wait for love. i wait for God.

God promises that the first things will pass away, but how do i wait for that reality not in anxiety but in peaceful anticipation? what do i do when the hope fo teh promise is not enough to bring peace?

sometimes i think i find peace in the bus[i]yness. if i move fast enough, if i do enough things to prepare, i will not notice that i am worried. for example, if i study hard enough (whether i need to or not) i will feel like i am doing something toward finishing the semester and so will not actively worry while i wait. but are these actions just empty? does that lead to a real life of peace? is that co-creating with God? doing my part to bring an end to pain? or is it trying to control, to play god, to numb my own pain?

peace amidst the flurry

2008-12-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

A voice of one calling:
"In the wilderness prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.

Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.

And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
isaiah 40:3-5

this evening i was joyfully reminded of why i am doing the work that i am doing.

just at that moment when i thought i was too tired, when i thought that the stress was going to overwhelm me, when i saw myself beginning to lose the love that needs to infuse ministry, the Spirit appeared. at the beginning of the evening, i thought i needed a vacation, a break, to step back so that i could start fresh. at the end of the evening, i left wishing i had church twice a week, cause once wasn't enough. what happened?

of course there was the "stuff" of church--a thoughtful and comforting message by leslie veen, heartfelt advent/christmas music by our ever changing band, good people i love to see and hang out with. but it wasn't just that. it couldn't have been just that. cause my funk was feelin' bigger than could be conquoered by all that (it is the end of the semester after all).

it wasn't just that. it was the experience of God among us, the experience of the Word made flesh, that brought my back home, to that comfortable place in my own skin.

And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.

and it was. and that is why i file papers, pay bills, run errands, send emails, set and re-set the sanctuary. every now and then i need reminded.

hope at work

2008-12-07T02:22:00.000-08:00

lately, my biggest hope that the work i will do in the world will not be self-involved and irrelevant is the flourishing of new church developments in the PC(USA). yes, apparently staid and static churches like mine plant churches. yes, we try new ways of doing things. and sometimes it even works.

the Spirit can still move in a denomination, and the Word is made flesh in exciting ways by new ministries.

so, this video is my offering to that hope, and your invitation to the chartering of the new church development that i work for--misson bay community church. on dec. 14th, we will graduate, grow up and get kicked out of the nest. be there.

if you can't play the video, check out "all growed up" on our youtube channel.

the hardest kind of hope (for me)

2008-12-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

in this liturgical week about hope, i have been looking each day for what i put my hope in. sometimes putting hope in God is easy... but when i do, sometimes i wonder if i confuse God with god. thing is, if we need it bad enough, we can theological construct the kind of god we need in order to have hope. but is that God? does it matter if we are able to find that hope we need anyway?

for me, it seems a lot harder to put hope in people. people are what they are. the realities of our humanity cannot be ignored. but everyday, in every relationship, we are asked to put hope in other people. we put our hope in other people's goodness. we put our hope in other people's love and best intentions. in the church when we fight, we put our hope in the fact that we all love jesus.

but we are disappointed time and again when things and people do not go our way. and again, we have to cultivate that hope. and then we are hurt. and we have to cultivate that hope again. over and over and over again for our entire lives.

from where does that hope come? is it from God, as God made our goodness? is it from Jesus, as he showed us what it means to be love?

baby steps

2008-12-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

isaiah 42 describes the servant of the lord, in whom the nations put their hope. this servant does not shout, does not climb on a soapbox, does not coerce or manipulate to make change. the servant will not break the smallest reed--and by extension, will not hurt people in the transformation process. "in faithfulness, he will bring forth justice."

in such servants of the Lord, we can put our hope. and today, i witnessed such servants of the Lord.

i got to sit in on the communications and meetings committee of the presbytery of san francisco. to all you non-presbygeeks out there, this is a lot more interesting than it sounds. this group frames the entire communal work of the presbytery that happens five times a year, as it decides where, when and how the meetings will take place.

anyone who has gone to a presbytery meeting (or ANY six hour meeting for that matter) knows that when hundreds of people meet, there is a high potential for boringness and irrelevance. people talk to long and assume that people are interested in things that they are not. everyone assumes their item or piece of business is most important, and occasionally people do not debate like adults.

but, presbytery has the potential to truly be church for its members and commissioners. it is renew, sustain and empower the people who attend. it should bring glory to God through the faith filled ways that people relate and make decisions. this commitee is doing what it can to move presbytery meetings away from irrelevance and toward relationality.

presbytery meetings in san francisco will start to look very different. there is not longer a paper packet sent to every commissioner. the website is a place to connect. there will be a coffee cart, and an emphasis on making needed connections during meetings--even if it happens during "business." there will be more time to talk, get to know people and engage, and less time spent listening. there will be more ways to bring your message to the presbytery in creative and engaging ways.

these are small moves in the world, when you leave the bubble of presbyterian life. but, they are moves just the same. moves i can put hope in, work for, that we might transform the world... at least a little.

advent musings continued

2008-12-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

in my attempts to be intentional with this season, i am trying to make time each day to spend with God. that may translate into daily blogposts, as i have found that over the last eighteen months of my blogging, it is a spiritual discipline that motivates me, allows me to organize my thoughts, and makes accountable to a community. this is my humble offering.

in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. in him was life, and that life was the light of all people. the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.

john 1:1-5

as john often is, this section to me is theologically obtuse, and yet poetic. the rhythm of it is greek is artful. but it is anything but direct about the nature of jesus. of course, artful poetic language is rarely direct. so it is what it is.

light feeds everything. i can breathe oxygen because sunlight allows plants to produce it. exposing my skin to the sunlight encourages my body to produce its own vitamin d. i am warmed by the sunlight, both physically and spiritually. but even as i absorb the light, i reflect the light--that reflection is how other people and beings are able to see me. the reflected light is taken in by their optic nerves and translated into an image.

so it is with jesus. i hope to both absorb--to sustain me--and reflect--to change the world--the light that is his life.

the advent of advent

2008-12-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

i love advent. always have. when we were little, we marked it with advent calendars and an advent festival at our church. but what did we anticipate? a lot of presents, good food, and family... but mostly the first two.

as an adult, i am cultivating a new appreciation for and love of the season. moving far away from home has helped with this. advent has become hopeful expectation of a homecoming that accompanies Christmas. the love and quality time that comes at christmas, the reconnection, the re-cultivation of roots, for me it is a true experience of Emmanuel, because God is love... and home is love.

but this year i hope to go deeper still. i want to use the hopeful expectation, the energy that comes from anticipation to grow me closer to the God we symbolically wait for. i want to cultivate my sense of God around me and the ability to discern the Word made flesh.

some of this comes from feeling like i am in an advent season in my life. i am close to graduation, but am not there yet. i am getting closer and closer to the possibility of ordination, but at not there yet. i am growing in my leadership and ministry, but have certainly not arrived yet. not yet, not yet, not yet. but my life feels pregnant with hope for the future... and feeling i hope to learn to wallow delightfully in, rather than rush through.

and so, i point my face toward God among us and say, as Mary did in Luke 1, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me according to your word."

is it murder?

2008-12-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

again i am amazed by the moral dialogue on boston legal as i am catching up on episodes saved on my dvr. i, for one, am fascinated by moral arguments and much prefer to engage with the hypotheticals on television because, well, i like to avoid real conflict.

the two issues up for debate on the episodes we watched tonight: abortion (roe, originally aired on 11.10.08) and the death penalty(kill, baby, kill, originally aired on 11.17.08). you can watch them online at

now, in the abortion episode, denny made one of the most astute observations of the abortion debate i have seen--partially because i felt it was true about me. he noted that ardent defenders of roe v. wade may be doing so out of their own need to justify a moral position that they are not sure that they can defend otherwise. out of security, they cling to this case. i know that i value life and the dignity of life to the last drop. but, i also do not know the best way for a secular justice system to make rules that uphold those values. i am not pro-abortion, but support the legality of abortion and women's access to it. too many women die from back alley abortions when abortions are illegal--and these are not the women in our society who are enfranchised and whose voices are heard. so what to do? give women the choice, council them and support them to choose life when they can (emphasis on support them). that is particularly my responsibility as a future (current?) religious leader of some sort. it is a complex, complex issue that i am not confident of my position on. denny's observation was an incisive look at the reality of the rhetoric and the complex layering of issues around abortion. in the face of such complexity, the only simple support for my secular, civil, pro-choice stance is roe v. wade.

and the death penalty issue. in this episode, the defendant was a prison guard who was observing an execution that went horribly wrong. the prison guard, after seeing a man conscious, convulsing and gasping after thirty minutes of being hooked up to the iv, shot the man in the head--which killed him instantly. the episode explored the question of whether this is murder. if the state was already in the process of killing the man, but due to a malfunction, was unable to do so and the man was suffering, is it murder? is it the moral choice of an individual when they individual is carrying out a sentence that the state is royalling screwing up? is it murder when the victim is in the midst of dying a slow painful death at the hands of the state? i am deeply against the death penality, but as it is the law in many states in this country, how do we handle it when it goes wrong? what do you think--is it murder?

these episodes are raucous adventures into parts of the moral landscape that sometimes even the church is unwilling to explore honestly.

well done, boston legal, well done.

artist statement. pics to come.

2008-11-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

advent begins. the wait is on. so is this thing that will grow in the 32 ocean sanctuary for MBCC and OAPC over the next month. despite the fact that i am without pics at this moment, here is my artist statement.

throughout the narratives of the people of God, the night sky plays a role--from the creation of the night, to the God's promise that abraham's descendants will be as numerous as the stars. in the story of God made flesh among us, the stars set the stage for the revelation of the angels to the shepherds and lead the magi to the Christ child wrapped in his manger.

it is in the darkest of night that we can feel most alone. but we are not. jesus is that light that shines, that beckons us toward God. it is the light of jesus that we reflect to the world when we do God's work, when we fulfill our covenant with God.

but, advent is the season for waiting for the light. we anticipate it. we grow excited. it is not yet here, but we know have faith that it will come. we are still in the dark, though the light begins to break through.

the dressing of the sanctuary represents all of these complexities of this season. as we grow closer to the birth of the Christ child, the colors will change, the hope will grow. as we grow closer to the reality of the Emmanuel, more and more light will fill the sanctuary. i hope that the dressing of the sanctuary will encourage you to meditate on these themes, grow closer to God throughout this season, and bring glory to the Christ child who will join us soon.

time audit

2008-11-28T19:22:00.000-08:00

so the jobs that i work are those kind of part time jobs with vague descriptions of how many hours to work, and a task list inevitably longer than the hours available. discernment is key, especially when finals start to loom over head, and fun holiday things tempt me to stop working (a good thing in my book).

which makes me want to ponder how i do spend my time at work and the effect that it has. now there are days, in my radical seminarian brain and heart, that i want to give up the institutions and spend my precious hours devoted to ministry directly serving people. cooking for the hungry, tutoring small children, that sort of thing... sexy ministry (when compared to admin anyway). it is what jesus did right? and we are called to do what jesus did...

this week i found myself doing something sexier that my usual admin work: dressing the sanctuary for advent. up and down ladders (that made me a little nervous) running around the space, i spent hours being fussy with the way the fabric was draping. finally happy with the way that it looked, and with my plan to make it grow over the course of the season, i cleaned up.

so, in total, this week, i spent somewhere around 10-12 hours procuring supplies, installing and perfecting the advent decor. now, some of this time was put into infrastructure that i will never have to repeat, but all the same, when you are only "supposed" to work 15-20 hours a week, that is a lot of time. is it worth it?

for many people, the space is just a space when worshiping. don't matter what color, what texture, what lighting, it will feel the same to them. for others, (like me) the space can speak volumes about theology, set a mood, welcome the Holy Spirit and glorfiy God... if we are lucky, all at the same time. But are enough people in the second category to make the time and the work worth it? as much as i like my art to be about me, this is an art form i practice that is not about me, it is about the community and facilitating the community's experience. this will be our first advent in a space like this, so i am anxious for feedback.

right now, i agree with Georgia O'Keefe...
"i foud that i could say things with color and shapes that i couldn't say any other way--things i had not words for."

this will be my first advent sermon ever, and it will have no words.

when there are no words

2008-11-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

this week i have learned that i chose (am called to?) a profession where i will have to speak at times when no words are adequate. times of great sorrow and great joy are often beyond what we can quantify and qualify with our words. any attempt to do so pales in comparison.

so what do we do when there are no words? when there are no answers?

i watched my distinguished boss preach at his brother-in-law's funeral today. his first sentence: we shouldn't be here.

sometimes a simple truth is enough. we shouldn't have been there. he shouldn't have died and he certainly shouldn't have died as he did. to acknowledge that is a powerful use of few words.

the sermon continued, the most honest and powerful response to death that i have heard at a funeral.

even when there are no words, sometimes we need the words. to work out the pain, to reach out to each other, to find God in the darkness.

i imagine there will often be times in my career, again and again, where there are no words. i hope for the grace of God, the strength of the Holy Spirit and the presence of Jesus that i witnessed today in those times.

statements of faith

2008-11-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

yesterday i gave a statement of faith to my polity class in a mock presbytery meeting where i was being examined for a fake first call.

to stand in a sorta pulpit and declare what you believe is a powerful thing. people do it metaphorically all the time, and i wonder if, despite my hoped for profession, if i do it enough.

two "statements of faith" that i admire:

"you believe in a witness based on the historic tradition of scripture but also the lived experience of today, and so do I." read the rest of this incredible speech by bill moyers here.

in this video, cornel west says nothing about God, but i believe he speaks deeply to faith.

a statement of faith should be a call to action, because faith is alive. these are both calls to action.

so i put before you the faith statement i presented yesterday for your feedback.

I am in constant revolution, being made and remade each day by God. This is the reality of my faith and my call. But, the roots of my faith could not grow deep and strong without being grounded in a deep and abiding belief loving and living presence of the Triune God.

I believe in a Triune God is to believe in a God, who, by God’s very nature, is in relationship.

God is here. God is present. God is real. God engages in the world, and God moves in the world.

Jesus was God with us—Emmanuel. Both human and divine, his birth, life, death and resurrection show us how to live, while saving us at the same time.

The Holy Spirit is God’s presence among us now. The Holy Spirit empowers us to live faithfully and allows us to experience God in our midst.

Our salvation—given by God’s abundant grace and love—through the life, death and resurrection of Christ Jesus, allows us to live together with God, both right now, and forever.

In our baptism, God claims us. Our hearts are sealed with the love of God, and we are adopted into God’s family in a new way. We become heirs to the kingdom. The adoption is a covenant that comes with significant responsibility for caring for that kingdom and working towards the reality of that kingdom here on Earth. Each time we experience the baptism of someone else, we are reminded who we belong to.

At the Lord’s Table, we renew that covenant. We experience the presence of God among us, feeding our bodies and souls for the work God calls us to in the world. At the table, we remember our salvation, remember the life of Christ, and are empowered to live into the calling.

I believe that we are made in the image of God, thus by our very nature, we are created to be in relationship—because by God’s very nature, God is in relationship. We are made to be in relationship with God and in relationship with each other. This is the calling of the church—to nurture both relationships. These relationships must follow the pattern given to us by Christ. We are to love God, each other and ourselves with everything we have. We are to love the least of our brothers and sisters, even above ourselves, caring for their earthly needs as Christ did. We are to radically forgive each other and ourselves. When we follow Jesus, we live the life that God’s call us to.

Each one of us is a lovingly created child of God, and if we fail to recognize that in each other, we fail to recognize God.

watching a new session be born

2008-11-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

on december 14, 2008 mission bay community church will be chartered as a congregation of the PC(USA). as such, the churches leadership will transition from being a steering committee to being a session, and we will ordain our first elders.

in some ways, this is a simple bureaucratic change. but yesterday, sitting with our elders-to-be during our first preparing to be a session retreat, i realized it is so much more.

our eldest elder will be thirty one. our youngest (just by guessing) is an undergrad. more than one person expressed some surprise as being called to this position of leadership in the church. many expressed pride and excitement at the opportunity to serve our congregation and the denomination.

i am taking a presbyterian polity class right now, and this was the most exciting polity moment of the semester so far. when we started to talk about the book of order, what it means, and how we can use it, they got excited. they want to make their voice heard in the denomination. they want to use the avenues available for transforming the church.

and i have never been in a committee, leadership team, or other similar meeting that was so fun (well, maybe an mbcc staff meeting). three and a half hours flew by. the room was often filled with laughter. seriously, i think the state of the global church could be vastly changed if meetings were more fun.

what if once a year, every presbytery birthed one new, fun, excited session (on thereby one new, fun, exciting church)? how different would we be, would the world be?

it can be hard from the inside to understand the significance of insignificance of something accurately. at times, the presence of mbcc, its chartering, its session, feels small. at other times, it feels huge. i think it remains to be seen what the true significance of this community may be. today, i am not sure that it matters. for me, it is the place where i find God. it is the place where right now i am called to serve God. this seems to be the case for a number of fabulous and interesting people. that is enough for me.

rachel getting married

2008-11-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

talk of God comes in the most surprising places sometimes.

rachel getting married is not the comedy i thought it was, but it was a beautiful and intense movie that was worth every second. anne hathaway should get major props (and i love to see people who are essentially my peers who are so imspirationally talented). anyway...

rachel, addict working her steps, says at a meeting... "i don't know if i can believe in a God who can forgive me." in her struggle to confront her past, she is also confronting God. learning to live with herself is also learning to live with God. and sometimes the goodness of God is the hardest part to understand--or believe.

i struggle with those same things. an angry God who holds me to account for each an every error, each and every slip up, each and everything i hate in myself, makes such perfect sense that i can buy into it. it is making God in the image of myself... when in fact it is we who are made in the image of God.

believing in God's goodness can be so hard because (for me) it also means believing in my own goodness...

the joy of democracy

2008-11-04T21:08:00.001-08:00

"we have never been just a collection of individuals... we are and always will be the united states of america."

to live in a democracy is not just a privilege, it is a responsibility.

and a joy. today it was a joy.

today was election day. i woke up before dawn to report as a poll volunteer for the no on eight campaign. at ten, i strolled to my polling place to vote, then to at election day service at PSR's chapel. lunch and back to the poll for a couple hours to wave a sign and talk to people.

i got the bug. i was inspired. every where i looked, people were getting off their ass and doing something about what they believed. i needed to be one of them.

and here i was, standing with strangers, for a common cause, finding things in common we never guessed would be the case. talking to voters, sharing a vision of community. i was standing outside a berkeley poll... and no, every voter wasn't voting no on prop eight. many of the no on eight voters said "well this is an easy place to stand." yea maybe. but, as the campaign told us, EVERY VOTE COUNTS. doesn't matter where is was cast. the more no votes we get in berkeley, the better. the more people we ensure aren't confused by the campaigns, the better. and no matter how they voted, we told every person who came out of the poll: "thanks for voting." because every person, whether they agree with me or not, deserves to be thanked for making the effort to have their voice heard, for participating in the democratic process. we are not just individuals. we are a community--the UNITED states of america.

"put there hands on the arch of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day."

a four year old, going with her mother to vote, as soon as she saw me, said "OBAMA!"

i heard stories of independent identity developed through political opinions. i heard stories of love that transcend civil law.

these stories bend history. these small faces learning to vote today, will continue to bend history.

"change has come to america."

i learned about community today. i learned how to put myself out there. i learned how to listen, how to open up, how to smile, and what a smile and a thank you can mean. you cannot build community inside your apartment. you cannot serve God completely inside your church. we have to step out.

"this victory alone is not the change we seek, it is the chance to make that change...new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice... where each of resolves to pitch in and look after not only ourselves but each other."

i have to step out. i cannot take what i learned today, what i learned in seminary, what i learned in san francisco, what i learned from my family, from my parents, from my hometown and NOT change. i cannot NOT do anything. i have to change how i live now, tomorrow, not being the same when i wake up each day as i was the day before.

"that is the true genius of america. that we can change."

amen, Mr. President Elect, amen.

quotes from the 44th President of the United States speech from Grant Park upon his election

TOMORROW...

2008-11-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

beloved

2008-11-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

recently, i was asked what i think the people need most... why the church exists. everyone has a different answer to this that is deeply rooted in their theology and moral anthropology.

reformed theology is famous for its understanding of the person as totally depraved. even when not overtly preached, it often undergirds our prayers and hymns. in my experience this has bred unhealthy self-criticism, low self-esteem and an inability to see the gifts God has given us to serve the world.

so what do i think people need most? what do i think the church needs to say the most?

you are God's beloved child. God loves you. we love you.

period. no if and or buts. just that. God loves you. We love you.

all the rest is totally messy and worth wading through, but is a conversation and journey we can take together. no one has to do it alone.

my heart was filled as we sang last night at mbcc:
"i am your beloved
your creation
and you love me as i am.
you have called me chosen."

i am God's beloved. God has called me chosen.

what a difference that makes. i will try to carry that song in my heart this week to remember when i am feeling whiny, pouty, tired, or just worn out by the wet weather.

love letter to mbcc

2008-11-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

last night we went to a halloween party full of church folk. it was a blast. but what we both noticed upon leaving was how surrounded by people of like mind we were. we are not used to that... in ohio and indiana that tends not to be the case, and despite being in the bay area for two years, it is still ocassionally surprising.

don't get me wrong, mbcc is not particularly political from the pulpit (or at least we try not to be)... or even in our congregational life. as a community, we talk about hunger and other relatively safe justice issues, but try to keep the rough issues to a minimum. we are authentic in our attempts to be open to different perspectives and make room for people who disagree with us.

of course, there has been an obama shirt on someone almost every sunday for months. in the primary season there were lots of hilary supporters too.

what impresses me about the mbcc crowd most is there political engagement outside of the congregation. one lawyer was telling beautiful stories from volunteering for a national hotline that helps first time voeters figure it all out. another young woman has volunteered (what seems to me a lot) for no on prop eight and will be spending her tuesday for that cause. a doctor in our crew was quoted in defense of a teenager's right to have an abortion without telling her parents--a position he holds with thought, integrity and faith.

this gang challenges me to be more active. to take opinions and turn them into a lifestyle. to be engaged on a deeper level. to use my faith to change the world.

this is definitely one of the ways that mbcc is a communion of saints.

food, fasting and prayer

2008-11-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

i was invited by a friend to spend the week before the election fasting and praying for the votes.

i was also invited by some presbyterian group on facebook to fast this weekend) in some form in prayer for the global food crisis. more info on what they are doing is here.

so tomorrow, i am fasting until communion at our evening service. fasting means many things to many people and the pcusa resources suggest finding something that works for you. it has been a long time since i fasted for something at specified intervals. but, when i did, i found it to be a consciousness-raising, prayer inducing practice. so here i go, tomorrow, only beverages (probably just water and tea) until the lord's supper.

reasons i am doing this:
1. how would the world be different if before major decisions we all stopped and prayed, meditated, thought or just listened for a day? fast on sunday, vote early on monday.
2. we live in a world with enough food, but many, many people are still hungry. i need to engage that somehow.
3. this summer i met people who on a regular basis have to decide whether to feed their children or pay their rent. that is tragic.... but i felt like, what could i do?
4. my relationship with food is awkward and dysfunctional. i want to improve it, eat more healthfully and consciously, but am often overwhelmed by where to start.

i appreciate the challenge from my friend and my community to take this on, even a little at a time.

"day by day, as they spent much time together in the temple, they broke bread at home and ate their food with glad and generous hearts." acts 2:46

this is my hope. that i can learn to eat with a glad and generous heart... and that everyone all over the world has the opportunity to eat every day with a glad and generous heart. this is why i will fast.

join me... apparently pcusa is doing this once a month (first weekend of the month) and i am going to try to as well.

we are the church

2008-10-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

tuesday i stood on the steps of calvary presbyterian church in san francisco yelling

"say no to eight--vote no on prop 8!"

largely surrounded by a crowd of presbyterian clergy. this is my church.

for those of you who are out of state, proposition eight changes the california constitution to exclude gay marriage--the existence of which has frustrated conservatives since the california supreme court determined marriage for same sex couples was a fundamentally protected right under the state constitution. the only way to stop it is to change the constitution.

though the presbyterian book of order defines marriage as between a man and a woman, i an deeply thankful for the freedom of conscience provision that allows dissent... and even compels it.

i have pondered that moment on the steps for days, thinking some grand revelation of its meaning would come to me. but i have none. it was a quiet demonstration, compared to some i have been to. it was really a press conference. what was said was affirmed by those in the crowd and those wandering by on the streets. i was reminded that we are all God's children. that God affirms love. i am not sure i heard anything new.

but often the revolution is quiet. often change doesn't come with earthquakes bone-rattling thunder or tidal waves, but with whispers. perhaps the real power of this moment for me was in its subtlety and peace.

some of my more favorite videos for the cause are here and here. one more reason i LOVE ugly betty.

i was in a pulpit?

2008-10-27T16:40:00.001-07:00

yesterday i preached my first sermon from a pulpit as a guest preacher as ocean ave. presbyterian church, MBCC's new roomies. not as scary as i thought it would be. and OAPC was fun.

lectionary texts i picked: matthew 22:34-40, 1 thessalonions 1:1-10.

so if you are curious.... here it is (well the typed manuscript version, which is mostly follow).

Who can forget one of the most humorous and painful to watch gaffes of the presidential election… when Senator John McCain was asked how many houses he owned. You know the reporter would not have asked the question if he didn’t already know the answer. That reporter knew that the Senator would look ridiculous if he knew and answered and correctly… and even more ridiculous if he didn’t know. He was trying to trick him, to trap him, to expose him in public. That was not unlike the situation Jesus found himself in the middle of in this passage. The religious think tank, the old boys club, saw their power threatened and wanted to expose him for the flake they thought he was.

And yet his answer is not one that is a big surprise.

It comes from Deuteronomy 6:4-6, which says:

Hear, O Israel: The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart.

The Pharisees were not uneducated. They knew exactly where in the Torah Jesus was pulling that commandment from. They could probably recite it as readily as he could. They may have even given the same answer to that question (and probably hoped he would not be able to answer to well and so quickly). He probably passed the test.

But Jesus didn’t stop there (did he ever?)…

When they asked for one commandment, he gave them two.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Jesus always gives us more than we ask for and never the easy answer.

Do you think that is the answer they wanted to hear? Sure wasn’t the easy answer. If it were me, one of those commandments about the number of things to sacrifice, the measurements of the temple, the festivals to celebrate would be what I wanted to hear. Now those are some commandments I can jive with. Formulaic. Direct. Simple. God gave specific instructions and all I have to do to be a faithful person is follow them. All this love stuff—it is just straight up messy.

But … Jesus didn’t stop there. Do you think you could hear the groan from the crowd when he kept going?

On these two commandments hang the law and the prophets.

Loving God and loving my neighbor as myself… just that, sums up all these books in the beginning of the Bible? All that Old Testament stuff boils down to this? Really? Really.

Despite the concise and succinct nature of these two commandments—you can teach them to a five year old—they are anything but simple. You and I both know that the work of loving God with all you heart, soul, and strength is a life long process and challenge. The work of loving both your neighbor and yourself is equally as arduous. This ain’t easy stuff folks. The whole law and everything all the prophets ever said hangs on these two tasks. For thousands and thousands of years, millions and billions of people have tried to live up to these standards and in all that time, we are left with only one perfect example—Jesus, the one who handed these commandments to us as priorities in the first place.

It is exhausting to try to wrap my head around this—much less my heart or my life.

So let’s break it down a little. What can we, in this room, in this building, do about this commandment, as a community?

Y’all are at an interesting point in your history—as is Mission Bay Community Church, the faith community I am a part of. After decades of ministry in your own space, your own community, your own neighborhood, suddenly you are sharing all those things. After years of flitting and bouncing from one location to another, we have to look at a new space and try to commit to making it our home, maybe for the long term. We are moving in together. It is like siblings who always had their own rooms sleeping in bunk beds. Or a couple that lived in different states cramming into a studio apartment. This is a movement of magnitude.

But as communities, we have discerned that this is where God wants us to be. God called you to open your doors, and God called us through those doors. We have both discerned that this is the move we need to make to follow that first commandment Jesus gave us. But, as we are following that first commandment, we are in a unique place to follow that second commandment.

Which brings us to Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians, the first reading for this morning.

First, a little context. All over the near Eastern world, parts of Asia and part of Europe, churches were springing up. What was once a movement where everyone knew each other could not longer be a tight knit community. By the grace of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit Christ the movement had exploded as followers were carrying the love of God all over the world. Communities that were once closely related and bound together found their relationships loosening as more and more communities came into the fold. In this process, they also started to diversify and disagree. Followers traveled between communities encouraging each other and inspiring each other, and resolving disputes. But, as more and more Christ following communities were established, there were more and more communities that needed attention, and so letters became a tool for building up and inspiring each other as well. The distance did not diminish the relationship of love between Christ followers and their communities. This is one such letter.

All over the letter, Paul addresses the Thessalonians as beloved—and he does so authentically. Paul can be a little over he top… this love gets drippy and cheesy sometimes, but it deep and truthful love just the same.

Throughout this passage, Paul praises and praises and praises the work and faith of the Thessalonians. They are steadfast in their hope and labor in love. They imitate God, despite being persecuted, chased and harassed for it. The word of God speaks through their faith. Some of this that Paul is praising them for he heard of second hand, and the stories were so amazing, he needed to let them know what the impact of their work had been. He even says that they turned to God from idols, to serve a living and true God. Given where they lived and the religious landscape of the time—when Caesars were God themselves and most folks had a cultic religion they followed—this is a big deal. Paul love, love, loves these folks. He is amazed by the work they are doing, wants to promote it, support it, and join in on the fun—whether in person or in spirit.

We are not unlike these communities. We are a part of the same fold, and now we share the same space, but we have different callings. The call of the Thessalonians was to serve their community. The call of Paul kept him from participating in that particular call but does not diminish the authenticity of that call and the vitality of that work. God’s call to the community of Ocean Ave. Presbyterian Church is not the same call as God’s calls to Mission Bay Community Church. God calls us to different work; but, God calls us to love each other’s communities as we love our own.

What does that look like? The first few verses of first Thessalonians flesh that out for us.

Paul tells the Thessalonians that they are always in his prayers. So, we, too, can remember each other in our prayers. Prayer is a powerful tool to build relationship with God, but it is also a powerful tool to build relationships with other. In prayer, we can listen and look of God moving in these relationships. In prayer, we can recognize the blessings of God around us. In prayer, we can learn to love each other. Prayer allows us to be thankful to God for the presence of the other community and the work they do.

Paul also notes that he sees God at work in the Thessalonian community and that even he, Paul, can learn from their ministry. And so, we can look at the ways that the word sounds forth from the other community. We can learn from each other’s joy and sorrow, each other’s faith and hope, each other’s service to the true and living God. The two communities that are now sharing this space occupy different places in God’s kingdom and serve God in different ways. When we recognize how the other community is faithful, our own faith grows. This is the first step to deeply loving each other. When we can see God working the Holy Spirit moving and Jesus blessing another community, we can love that community—as we love our own.

Just as the earliest Christians needed each other, we need each other. Mission Bay needs Ocean Ave. When we were without a home, you opened your doors. As we look to find roots as a faith community, as a young church, we can look to you to see how it has been done. As we begin, in the life of our church, to look outward more than inward, we can learn from all the ways that your community has served the Excelsior and continues to serve the Excelsior. I hope that we bring as much to this partnership as you do.

When the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, they got more then they asked for. There may be times that this move, this partnership, feels like more than we asked for, but who knows, when we truly and deeply love each other, we might find that all of our ministries grow as a result of this relationship that God called us into.

whatta weekend

2008-10-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

was in vegas all weekend, mostly without internet. so when the need to blog came upon me, i old schooled it in a notebook at the sportsbook with the colts game in the background. my thoughts on last week's lectionary passage from matthew (22:15-22):

the jist: should we pays taxes? yes. give therefore to the emperor the things that are the emperor's and to God the things that are God's. what in my life belongs to God?

so much of life--good and bad--is not as simple as it seems. the saducees asked a questions that to the onlookers probably seemed straightforward. the romans were the oppressors, so to pay taxes is to the complicit in your own oppression (if you were jewish). but to jesus, that was not the issue as hand (with jesus is the simple questions ever the real questions?). so i am left to ponder what in my life can i really render unto God?

there are interesting questions to ponder in vegas. floating all around me is money, money money, and symbols for money. given a literal interpretation of this lesson, it is only appropriate that the house usually wins, as the casino's picture is on the chips... So if all the money in the room (in the bars, the casinos, the hotels, the resorts) isn't God's what is?

the people.

as with many things, i am not wholesale against gambling. i make a fair attempt at live and let live. i don't think a legalistic approach to ethics and morals does anyone any good. but why is this my approach? is is a real stance or just liberal wishy washy indecision not wanting to hurt anyone? turns out i can find that answer in this passage from matthew.

if the money is not God's, we can play with it when it is just consenting adults playing. Are there better ways to spend money? for me the answer is yes, but i cannot decide that for anyone else. when it is not just a game--when people fall apart, when families fall apart, when mortgages cannot be paid, when someone loses their self-respect, that is when gambling is problematic for me. when gambling hurts what is God's--people--it is wrong.

so if i can remember who i belong to, i will be more apt to respect myself and make good decisions. and hopefully enourage others to do the same.

climbing on my soap box

2008-10-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

just so that we are straight-- i have been against the death penalty since as long as i could remember. i write my first research paper, in eighth grade, on the issue of the death penalty and read some fascinating stuff from all sides of the issue. but, i stand firm. for me, killing at the hand of the state is still murder. jesus asked us to turn the other cheek, and walk the second mile. this seems like it translates into rehabilitation instead of retribution in the criminal justice system. (and then there is the eighth amendment). For folks for whom those two arguments don't work, the numbers show that the death penalty is not a deterrent... and it ain't even cheaper than keeping someone in prison for life.

every now and then, there is a story from death row that makes headlines and is so heart wrenching that i can hardly hold my lunch in for the inner turmoil the tragedy causes. Such is the case of troy davis, a man that the state of georgia is preparing to execute. seven of the nine witnesses whose testimony he was convicted upon have recanted. there is no murder weapon. there is no physical evidence. The death of police officers in the line of duty is tragic--but so is the execution of someone wrongly convicted of a crime.

though the georgia state board of pardons and paroles has refused clemency, we still need to urge them to change their mind before it is too late. you can take action here.

stepping off my soap box now. maybe if you are lucky, i will get down off my high horse too.

have you ever seen a rat swim?

2008-10-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

standing on the shores of the potomac, amazed by the silence, the stillness, the smoothness of such a body of water, a splash disturbed my peace. i looked down and less than two feet away from my toes, a small mammal was making its way through the water. being of ohio (and california), i thought, ooo... a river otter! or beaver! but no... it is too small and look at the skinny wretched bare tail snaking through the water, it's a...

RAT!

i had to contain my repulsion. you see, in one of my cali apartments, when i would sit in the bedroom on my cell phone with folks from back home (it was the only room in the place with reception), i would look out the window and watch the rats scurrying around the dumpster, along the ivy covered wall and up the drain pipe. in one sitting, i once counted over half a dozen rats.

and so this rat, breast stroking with beads of water rolling down her back, her tail swishing to do its part of the work, seemed entirely unnatural--from my perspective. to me, rats were natural in amongst the garbage, in the nooks and crannies of place built for me, hanging on as scavengers of a bigger life being lived.

but this rat (as all rats) was not made for the dumpster, but for the shores of the potomac. God made this rat to live in beauty, not squalor.

is this not also how we see each other? making wild assumptions that we are where we are for a reason, when in fact God made us all for the beauty, not the squalor?

this little rat pushes me to change the way i see everyone, slowing before i judge and approaching everyone as God made them... not as i choose to see them, or defined by the environment they occupy.

thoughtful thursdays

2008-10-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

this is my 150th post. weird. so i decided, since i need some more Jesus, some more Bible and so more discipline in my life, to make an attempt at a weekly ritual... coined cheesily thoughtful thursdays (i am sure that the title will die when the this turns into a when-i-get-around-to-it-during-the-week ritual).

so each thursday, i am going to make an attempt at ruminating on one of the lectionary passages for the week.

this week: matthew 22:1-14, the parable of the wedding feast.

"For many are invited, but few are chosen."

the killer thing about the lectionary (when it doesn't skip over the hard passages) is that it makes you confront the words that makes you squirm. having just spent as evening getting jazzed about opening up the church to the least, the last and the lost, and i am more than a little distressed to see..

"For many are invited, but few are chosen."

... especially being one of those presbyterians who hasn't quite figured out the just way to understand predestination/election. i want it to say, for many are invited, but few choose to come. that i would get. but, few are chosen? how do i understand vision of God with the vision of God in the prodigal son? with the Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman? with the sermon on the mount?

in this parable, for not wearing the proper clothes (to an event he had not been invited to ahead of time i might add... where was he supposed to get the proper attire?) the man was tossed out on his a$$ "into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

pardon?

"For many are invited, but few are chosen."

so here is what i learned from my too short meditation on this passage:
1. God is a mystery.
2. often, so is scripture.
3. my brain ain't always (if ever) enough to figure it out.
4. community helps.
5. so does prayer.

so if you have any insight into this one, let me know. if not, i will ponder it til next week...

spiritually stagnant

2008-10-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

in august, i was privileged to co-facilitate a bible study once a week for the month. during that month, i engaged the biblical text in a way that is as disciplined as i get.

now, i don't have a small group. i am not in any classes that engage the text in spiritually and i am not preaching very often. so i find myself without the relationship to the text that drives me and can keep me healthy.

what about the small group encouraged me to relate to the text?

1. the women i worked with brought insights to the text that i could not find alone... each week challenging me to work back into texts that i thought i knew.
2. there was some accountability... needing to be able to articulate to the group where I saw God during the week and realizing that others cared about my spiritual health and integrity.
3. our discussion every week got me more and more excited about the bible... and kind of excitement i cannot seem to sustain on my own.
4. intentional communal prayer every week in a smaller group than my church fed my personal prayer life.

so i want to stop trying this on my own... gonna look for a small group. i need more disciplined pray and study. i need to balance. i need the challenge. i need the greater understanding of the work i do.

keep me to it.

one body one hope

2008-09-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

ephesians 4:4-6

unity is a concept that gets tossed around... but what does it really mean when we talk about bodies (both communities and our own bodies)? so i want to think in terms of wholeness... wholeness that is true to our one hope and one calling, as individual bodies, and corporate bodies.

right now, i am living anything but one calling. today felt like one of those days where i am mired in multiple callings, unable to fully respond to any of them. i try to "unify" my art, my education, my ministry, my work, somehow in my being, but i come up feeling pulled in different directions.

and then i look at the wider body of christ that i am a part of... the PCUSA. it too is pulled in many directions, and may be pulled apart. but where is our wholeness? in the midst of our debates, have we lost our ability to be whole? to live as whole individuals and as a whole body? does sacrificing this wholeness to a debate mean we are not living up to this scriptural calling? would we better be whole as two bodies?

how does that tension apply to my life? in this same way, i have my foot in a bunch of communities right now, and it is tearing me to shreds. i feel like i cannot serve any of them, or myself for that matter, as best i can, and yet, i will be in "liminal" place for almost two more years. so how to deal?

one God who is over all and through all and in all...

if they meant all, really all, then i can learn to live in this liminal place. it may take time to find that wholeness, but God is in it all.

can the PCUSA learn to live... whole... in a liminal place filled with tension? i just don't know.

this thing called leadership

2008-09-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

so mission bay community church says good bye to the big silver box @ 1040 mariposa this week and says hello to 32 ocean.

and this week i sat in my organizational leadership class and tried to define a "christian congregation." what a mess. i have experienced christian congregations, but trying to put that experience in a small box of a few specific words is difficult--especially when you have a tendency to get bogged down in post-modern deconstruction. but it was an extremely fruitful conversation for it messiness, and the true messiness of the concept is what i took away from the conversation.

so if it is hard to define "congregation," it seems even harder to me to define congregational leadership, the role of a congregational leader, or what i should be as a congregational leader. and in this move process, i find myself (whether jumping in or being thrown in i am not sure) making decisions, supervising work, packing boxes, cleaning... all kinds of ways i guess i manifest my congregational leadership. some of these ways have been surprising for me. i had to trust myself (and God for sure) as i spent thousands on new carpet--a color no one but me had seen yet. the following day, i realized that there was just as much leadership required to sweat out the moving of furniture, books, and whatever else we found to prepare to have the carpet installed. and to work on negotiating sharing space, meet new people i will be in a new kind of community with (as two "congregations" will be sharing church space)... the list goes on.

this moving process is teaching me what leadership is and what a congregation is ways the discussion in class never will--but in ways that would be seriously less significant without the discussion in class. i am deeply grateful for the "congregation" at mission bay that is allowing me this experiment, this trial and error, this growth, in leadership... and those many folks in the congregation that model leadership for me. i didn't lift boxes alone.

on that note... shout out to shannon powers, our most fabulous move coordinator, queen of the transition. and ricky, tammie, simona, as well as the janitors and the staff @ ocean ave. presbyterian church for short notice help preparing the space for the carpet.

succulent wild women in the ministry

2008-09-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

during the last two weeks of my organizational leadership class, we have heard from three very different lady pastors. rev. patricia de jong at first congregational berkeley, rev. lynice pinkard at first congregational oakland, and rev. sharon macarthur at sycamore congregational.

i didn't know any women in pastoral leadership growing up... not until college. the presbyterian church had long (ish) been ordaining women, but i didn't see any models. i grew up with parents who told me time and time again i could be whatever i wanted to be when i grew up, but i didn't dream of being a pastor.

and here i am, with three women, three saints, who have stood before me and told their stories. they each use their own gifts, follow their own call, and are leaders in their own way. they are models for me not for any particular skill, but for the way that they embody God's call and the life of Christ.

so i lift these names as saints and thank them for their presence, ministry and the way they have inspired me.

uplift your saints. be a saint for others.

(cheesiness officially finished for the day i promise).

learning to fail

2008-09-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

so we made a valiant attempt at snorkeling on catalina. upon arriving on the island, when i saw that snorkeling was and option, i jumped up and down and did a happy dance. it is just about my favorite thing to do in the world. i love fish, i love the ocean, i love looking at fish in the ocean. and i had done it before... this seemed like as easy prospect.

ha! no.

to start with, the water is only sort of warm on catalina... and by sort of warm, i mean warmer than northern california, but not warm by any one's objective opinion i am sure. we discovered this as we were going down the steps into the ocean (there was no beach in this cove) and halfway down we were already getting mouthfuls of salt water from the waves. having passed on the wetsuits, but seeing the few people in the water in wetsuits, we retreated to rent wetsuits.

significantly warmer, we made attempt #2. now, i wear glasses. generally in life, i keep at least one pair of contacts around for activities... such as snorkeling... that really don't work with glasses. right now, no contacts. so i played with my mask until I got my glasses wedged in, but the mask wouldn't seal. so i knew it would fill up with water, i just hoped it would happen slowly. the waves we still pounding the rocks and the pebble beach and we stumbled in. it was a fight to get out over the waves, and as soon as i felt like i was in water i could handle i looked down at the fish. as soon as i started to discover the joy of the fish, i was breathing in water from my mask filling up. and then the choking begins. so as i am getting my bearings breathing, i am being tossed around in the waves. in less then ten minutes, i headed back for the steps, getting bumped and bruised on the rocks along the way as i struggled to get out. my few minutes of snorkeling left me out of breath with my heart racing.

so the strategic decision was made to try later in the day. the locals said it would be calmer. they must have been kidding. we tried again and lasted no longer. for all the effort, for all the money (well it wasn't that much), i got a good look at one fish with blue stripes.

i pouted for a bit after all of this. poor brad, he put up with it. and in the over-analyzing, over-reflecting bit that i do, i realized that more than being disappointed that i did not see many fish, i felt like i failed. i was pouting about failing, not about missing the fish. so i took this opportunity to try to get friendly with failure. when people asked what we did that day, i tried to proudly proclaim that we tried to snorkel and just couldn't. i tried to relish in that one fish i saw. i tried to consider at adventure complete--traditionally successful or not.

and finally, i thought through what i learned:
1. always have a pair of contacts available for activities such as this.
2. the ocean is as beautiful in its power as it is in it color and diversity.
3. the power of the ocean is something to be respected.
4. keep trying new and scary things.... but know when to quit.

education happens everywhere

2008-09-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

distance and perspective can be a beautiful thing. a couple hundred miles from home, looking out onto the ocean is a fantastic place to consider where i am in life and what i am doing.

this week i dropped two classes. i am only taking nine credit hours, something i have never done as long as i have been in school (except for that one part time semester where i worked full time). i found out i couldn't possibly be done with my coursework required for ordination before spring 2010. simultaneous to receiving this information, i was drowning in school work, emails, admin for mbcc and arrangements, arrangements, arrangements for mr mod and mr. vice-mod. i wasn't caught up on anything, and couldn't do it any more.

so i pulled back. i dropped some classes, decided to keep my gigs and stretch out my last year of seminary into two. this goes against so many culture values and personal baggage that i hold (values i wish i didn't have, but that i must admit i do). i feel like i am wasting money b/c nine credit hours costs the same as fifteen do. i feel like i am so how failing or not working hard enough b/c i won't finish my three year program in three years. education is a gift and a prize, and i feel like i am thumbing my nose at a fantastic gift.

and yet, this may be one of the times in my life that i make a decision that values me. i have stopped and realized that my lifestyle was no longer healthy or sustainable. i value me.

i also realized, as i speak to pastors, as i see how the denomination works, as i pour myself into a faith community, that my education is no longer (if it ever was) restricted to the classroom. god has shown me all kinds of other places to learn valuable skills to this vocation of pastoring that i am pursuing, and i cannot ignore the learning i am doing at mbcc or in the pcusa.

and so my choice is for balance--between learning in the classroom, the local church, and the denomination, in hopes that i get an even more complete education when i finally do graduate.

after a weekend on the beach, the work will be achieving that balance.

my own found poetry?

2008-09-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

i do not consider myself a wordsmith, but as i worked with a through a number of biblical texts this summer, i found myself wanting to make them my own. so i scrambled and re-ordered them until it followed the lessons i learned from these texts, the way they spoke to me over the last few months. here is what i got:

shall I give
the fruit of my body
for the sin of my soul

who am I that I should go
I will be with you
this shall be the sign
I am who I am

it is God
who is at work in you
transforming the beloved
with whom I am well pleased
truly I tell you as you did
to one of the least
you did to me

the Lord requires
loving kindness
living sacrifice
a humble walk
on holy ground
with your God

based on passages from
micah 6
joel 2
romans 12
exodus 3
phillipians 2
matthew 3
matthew 25

rollercoaster ride

2008-09-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

the last twenty four hours for me has oscillated between hope and despair about my faith community, its future, and my place in it.

last night i attended the opening of the 2008 new immigrant ministries convocation. i was amazed by the global representation in the room, and the passion and energy for new ways of being the church. i was inspired to follow my own call, to reach across arbitrary boundaries we set up, and to more closely follow jesus. in short, i felt deeply hopeful about the PCUSA and my potential to contribute to it. a happy place to be having just changed my status in the ordination process to that of a candidate.

today i puttered about presbyland in my role as local assistant to the moderator. nevering have visited ournational headquarters, i met lots and lots of folks i can only hope to remember. i sat in on lots of conversations and attended the chapel service (led by the new immigrant ministry advisory committee... with a meditation by mr. vicemod, rev. dr. byron wade). i took a tour of the building. i got to know the staff that i willbe working with in the two years better. i shook the stated clerk's hand.

i am beginning to see the inside of the church and it ain't all puppies, kittens, and roses. there was a time in my life that i was disillusioned by what i saw at a congregational level. i have matured in my understanding about the local church and now know how to take the good with the bad. but i guess i have been wearing rose colored glasses in the last few months when i look at the life of the denomination, and there have been cracks, but they are being shattered and falling apart. the post-GA glow has faded and i find myself asking the hard questions about participating in a denomination that is (sometimes deeply) flawed.

i am going to have to deeply wrestle with this in the next year as a candidate, drawing boundaries between dedicating my life to God and dedicating it to an institution.

moving on up

2008-09-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

ephesians 3:14-19

this was the charge/prayer given to me by the moderator of the presbytery of Cincinnati, Rev. Tom York upon becoming a candidate.

earlier in the day, i met with the committee on the preparation for ministry. they asked my why i thought that i was specifically called to be a minister of the word and sacrament. i didn't know what to say. i was rather speechless.

i have trouble claiming what i have to offer the church, what i have to offer God. i felt stuck in early Moses-mode... but God, why me? i am slow of speech and clumsy with words and pretty much everything... and yet, here i am, in front of this committee, preparing to go in front of the presbytery, whatever am i doing here???

in between meeting with the committee and being examined in front of the presbytery, we worshiped. i gave up the worries to God, asking for something greater than me to be present with me in the meeting. i tried to be honest with myself about my passions and energies within the church, what i have given the church and what i am prepared to give.

i think it is sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves in positive ways when we come from a tradition that honors and expects humility and communal discernment and strength. it is hard to be honest with myself as a woman. it is hard to be honest about my gifts when surrounded by theologies and moral anthropologies that emphasize the depravity of humanity.

so i stood in front of the presbytery and talked about my energy, my vision of the gospel as an artist, and the way i hope to use that gift to interpret the love of God to folks who may not understand or connect with the traditional ways we express that love. and i believed myself, i believed in my call to serve as a minister of the Word and Sacrament in the PCUSA. I might have been the hardest one to convince in the room.

afterward, one of the commissioners came up and told me to be able to speak to my own gifts, to not hid my light, because it is that light, those gifts, that give glory to God.

Amen.

So, i embark on a new part of the discernment journey.

looking in a mirror

2008-09-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes, looking at artwork i have made is like looking in a mirror. it reflects who i was an the moment or moments that i made it, reveals parts of who i am that i cannot always see clearly otherwise.

so when i see complete stangers... a couple dozen of them... experiencing my artwork. i get a little nervous. it is like that naked dream where you show up at school and suddenly realize that you have no clothes on. as delighted as i was that people actually showed up at the opening of unFound last night, i felt panicked, vulnerable and exposed. it got better as the evening wore on, and i found myself more and more comfortable. but, it was perhaps the hardest part of the whole art process.

as brad noticed these feelings, my squeamish-ness, he asked what was with that. "isn't showing it to people the whole point?"

maybe. mayne not. isn't making art the whole point? or is it like the tree that falls in the forest... if no one is there to hear it, does it not make a noise? if the art is made but not shown, is it not art?

no matter, unFound was made and shown. a new part of the journey begins.

shameless self-promotion

2008-09-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

wondering how I have been spending my time? this weekend hoang-anh tran and i are opening unFound at central united methodist in stockton, ca. visit our blog here and if you are in the area at any point during this little journey, come check us out.

what i learned at school today

2008-09-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

today could have very well been my last, first day of school. i have oscillated between being elated and saddened by that fact. so what did i learn at school today?

1. rev. dr. mr. president bill mckinney brought it in chapel today and reminded me that without love, none of this matters, or even make sense. without love, faith and this seminary journey is empty.

2. dr. randall miller, who i am so excited to learn from in a course called "ethics, the bible and sexuality," reminded me of the gift of my education and my obligation to share it with others.

3. brad corban reminded me that school is fun.

4. one of the articles i was skimming while i should have been listening, pointed out that i need to heal my sickness or hurry and savor all these moments. so put down the laptop, stop reading something else and freaking pay attention in class! and through some good old fashioned discipline at your spiritual life and stop simply complaining about having no time for God! stop whining. (my version...)

5. dietrich bonhoeffer taught me to live a life of faith without reservation. bill mckinney reminded me that to do that, i cannot live as dietrich bonhoeffer did but i have to live in relationship to myself as dietrich bonhoeffer lived in relationship to himself... if you follow.

in this attempt t make more time for God, i will make more time for the blog, as in the last year, it has been my most disciplined spiritual practice.

here we go. cheers to another year!

more DNC

2008-08-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

lady hilary is speaking.

i didn't vote for her. never been a huge fan.

but as the crowd cheered for her, and she stood ready to give a speech in one of the biggest moments of her life, in support of barack obama... i almost cried. it had to take some serious courage, some real chutzpah, some deep down va-jay-jay power, to get up in her screaming loud orange pantsuit (that we all know the talking heads will be commenting more on than what came out of her mouth) and make this speech (and make a pantsuit joke... she indeed referred to the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits).

i am grateful for her courage to make this fight, even if i didn't always like how she fought it. her presence on this stage, her words, will make it easier for me to stand and use my words to claim space as a leader in the church.

proclaiming the word of God

2008-08-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

it isn't news that perhaps the way that i "proclaim the word of God" with the most integrity and authenticity is not in the form of a twenty minute homily from a pulpit. i just ain't my bag. it is not who i am. i realize i will have to continue to learn how to do it because there are just to many places that don't understand or won't accept anything else.

but for me, it just is not true.

i discovered this in a new way tonight as i made my first "movie" in months... since my new video camera actually. my movies are little ditties that reflect on scripture or something like that. in this particular video (which i imagine i will post at some point) i discovered that i can pray with my computer. it allows me to synthesize scripture and life in a way i can't do with words alone. it may be an amateur attempt--in fact, i am sure it is--but my "preaching" is an also amateur attempt (isn't "proclaiming the word of God" always a humble activity?). i can preach in a mixture of images, words and sound.... and it can be more true.

so if anyone ever knows of a church looking for a pastor whose sermons are five minute movies instead of twenty minute homilies, let me know.

and what it all boils down to

2008-08-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

is that no one has it figured out just yet.

being in middle school when i was (during the debut of ultra angst album, jagged little pill) i can't help but identify with a little alanis morisette on occasion. hand in my pocket (see above lines) was on the radio on my way home tonight as i was pondering bible study, worship and that last year of seminary that starts next week. i don't know what i am doing. from time to time, i feel a flash of confidence in my competence, but overall i am getting used to feeling like i just don't have it figured out just yet. and i will probably never have it figured out. but i will muddle through, as a pastoral presence, as an artist, as a student, as a community member, as a humble offering to God, trying to remember that my best attempt at dealing with the ambiguity and my own ignorance is all i can offer--and it is enough.

embracing the awkwardness

2008-08-24T14:44:00.001-07:00

this morning was mbcc's version of taize. i loved it, and it was hard. as shawn encouraged us to... it was an opportunity to embrace the awkwardness, and find God in it.

as my contribution to th service, since it was my turn to "preach," my offering to this contemplative service was my loosely defined version of lectio divina, where we look for visual things in the text. we read the text three times, with a few minutes of silence in between. it was different... and if any of you mbcc-er's out there have comments, i would love to hear them. i personally enjoyed the insights folks shared.

here are the scriptures we used and a bit of the thoughts i prepared for this morning:

EXODUS 1:15-21//

The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah,

"When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live."

The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. Then the king of Egypt summoned the midwives and asked them, "Why have you done this? Why have you let the boys live?"

The midwives answered Pharaoh, "Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive."

So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.

ROMANS 12:1-2//

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

my thoughts...
Many women in the Bible are not names, but the midwives in our story from Exodus are—Shiphrah and Puah. They probably didn’t know their own significance, or expect to be recorded in the annals of their people’s history, but here they are. Shiphrah and Puah simply gave their lives to God, bringing children into the world. They probably didn’t know it, but one the children they helped to bring to life at their own potential peril was Moses—the future liberator of their people. Without the effort of these women, these midwives, there would be no Moses. Without their faithful response to God, their living sacrifice, the transformation of their minds, their people would have stayed enslaved in Egypt. They were partners with God in the covenant, partners in building the kingdom. Their living sacrifice was part of a much larger divine movement towards the kingdom of justice.

Their sacrifice, their transformation, though potentially dangerous, did not kill them but bring more life into the world. God blessed them with families. They continued to live—albeit in a new and more faithful way. As Shiphrah and Puah did, God calls us in to a new life of service, a full life. A life where the ways we serve renew us and sustain. God doesn’t desire that we be burned out, exhausted, or deadened by serving. God was us to be changed and transformed by our service. God wants our growth, our health and our happiness. God wants our sacrifice to be one that promotes life—both in ourselves, and others.

We are often ignorant—as Shiphrah and Puah probably were—of the ways that we contribute to the building of God’s kingdom—but we must be transformed in even the smallest ways, because, by the power of the Holy Spirit, we will make change, we will be transformed, we will serve God.

here and now

2008-08-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

it feels like i have posted in a million years even though it has only been eight days.

i find myself with a huge challenge in the last week. enjoying where i am, who i am with, when i am there.

there is too much going on right now, and no way to fix it at the present moment. and yet all of it is a gift. the gift of my parents visiting (hence the blog drought). the luxury of art making. the gift of community and fellowship over worship, food, art, movies, drinks, bible study, meetings, etc. the gift of a happy home at the end of the day. even the gift and privilege of being able to seek ordination and jump through hoops.

but i cannot enjoy these gifts from God if i am too busy worrying about the others gifts i will have to attend to tomorrow. and next week. and next month. and next year.

so this evening, i will enjoy the here and now and thank God for the many gifts i have been given this week.

art works

2008-08-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

a group of san jose students are using theater to educate their communities about dealing with immigration and customs enforcement. click here for the full story.

art works.

forever an optimist

2008-08-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

watching the opening ceremonies of the olympics, my heart melts with both joy and sorrow.

there is one team who have brought women with them for the first time (i think the united arab emirates). and soon after, afghanistan enters the stadium, without its only female athlete... who disappeared a month ago from italy, thought to be applying for asylum because of threats against her life for trying to compete.

for the athletes who are representing their small countries, walking in the opening ceremonies is there biggest moment. because of training, coaching and financial disparities, they may not make it past the first round. they exhibit courage and pride walking across the stadium, sometimes alone.

this opening ceremony is exceptionally artful. a giant painting has been created throughout the event, and each athlete who processes in contributes to it. they walk across a giant stamp pad, creating sweeping swaths of color as trod across the artwork.

BRILLIANT!

i know it isn't all bright and shiny. but in an effort to look for the good in the world, this is one of the few moments where many americans pause and together look outside our borders, cheering for folks from countries we can't find, learning about countries we may have never heard of and finding common ground. and yes, we might hope our team wins in the end, but we are looking outward instead of inward.

NNPCW rocks my world

2008-08-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

the national network of presbyterian college women just might be the most fabulous part of PCUSA. though no longer a "college woman"(i am a student...) i always wanted to go to a nnpcw leadership event and never could make it while i was in college. but here i am in the same city as their annual leadership event, so i signed up and today i went.

"no one can give you the work you must do... your soul must call forth the work."
rev. dr. katie cannon's keynote this morning took my breath away. she taught me a lot about myself. she challenged us to listen to our pleasure... something difficult for me. i think life should be hard, and that if i am not stressed and stretched, i am not working hard enough. i tend to think that if i am not hurting in some way, i am not contributing to the world. rev. dr. cannon reminded me that what we love, what gives us joys, what connects us with the divine is the imago dei in us... and to step on that or to allow others to step on that is a sin.

it is important to remember those folk who got me where i am... there are a long list of them... but it is also important to be able to see the contributions i make to others. these days i find myself apologizing to others (perhaps for no reason, or before the fact, or just in case) and calling myself/thinking of myself as just a minion--a tiny, replaceable cog in a big machine. maybe this is true, maybe it is not. but i, of all people, should not be giving myself a hard time. i am my biggest obstacle most often, and rev. dr. cannon showed me that... something important to remember as i embark on new journeys as a "pastoral assistant" and "local assistant to the moderator" (i promise to try to stop calling myself a minion and thinking of myself that way. big sin.)

and after this bit of church (it was a sacred time and place) i lead a workshop. there... i claimed my authority. i lead a workshop and had a blast! six fabulous women joined me and we played with art, talking through how the arts can contribute to our faith lives and social change. we did a visual lectio divina of micah 6:6-8, in two languages. i learned from each of the women about who God calls us to be. the beautiful images they created are still swirling in my head. i was worried i wouldn't be able to fill up an hour and a half (and yes found myself apologizing to these ladies before we had even done anything) and couldn't believe how quickly the time went. i hope they had as much fn as i did. and i hope that i am blessed enough to continue to work with some of these women in the church in the future.

so in closing, i heart nnpcw and you should too.

generation kill

2008-08-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

as fans of the wire, brad and i figured we would watch generation kill which is produced by the same guy (whose name, of course, eludes me). we are on the third episode and are not sure how we feel about it. it is intense.

what is intriguing me the most is some of the largely universal ethical questions that it engages. episode three main question for me: to what extent are we personally responsible for corporate actions?

in the military, there is a clear chain of command. responsibility is often passed upward until the powerful can stop that process. in some ways, i think this process of authority requires more moral agency than when acting alone. when working within complex systems of authority, the individual must have a clear grasp on what their responsibility is within the system, and be continually vigilant for injustice, so that said individual can act to stop injustice when necessary. when acting alone, we only have to worry about ourselves. when acting within system, we must be aware of what is going on around us, what others are doing, how we interact with them, and the extent to which we are powerful.

one of the sergeant's (i think that was his rank in the show) gave an order for a man in his humvee to shoot. he was acting on orders from above that said all iraqis were considered hostile, and therefore targets. at the time, this sergeant had no idea who he was ordering fire upon. later the unit discovers a young boy injured (probably fatally) in the attack. the sergeant took responsibility. was it his fault? was it the fault of the one who pulled the trigger? was it the fault of the higher ups, who declared who was hostile or who put them in that country int he first place? every character on the show seemed to have a different perspective on the question of fault.

the sergeant in question had been the most vigilant about gathering intel, protecting civilians, making correct observations, throughout the first three episodes. he is painted as the intellectual with the cool head. and he is at fault.

i know this is a "fake" situation. the details may not be real, but the question, the dilemma certainly is. how do we reconcile all of this?

i do know that God weeps.

what i learned at "church" today

2008-08-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

1. you can't serve a congregation the size of MBCC communion by intinction out of one chalice
2. it is embarrassing to walk from the your seat in the front row, to the kitchen to get a second chalice, and back to the front the to mr. moderator who is entertaining the troops while he waits for chalice #2
3. you can have more than one church home and it is ok
4. church don't stop when service is over
5. bible study can be fun... and i like discussing the scandalous and appalling stories with beautiful people
6. i have some much to learn about God and love from the blessings of all the people God has surrounded me with

DR installment three

2008-07-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

day four...

bible school was utterly overwhelming. singing and storytelling went well, but by the time we got supplies out, there were so many kids (150?) sitting in every available space that there was not even room to walk in the room. i found myself suddenly swamped with kids grabbing and yelling, and me without words to respond. if they so intently wanted a few ribbons, how much more intense was their need for necessities--food, safety, love? in that moment of being physically confined by a crowd of small children, yelling my name, hanging on my arms and my back, dozens of hands grabbing, i saw and felt the crushing pressure of poverty in communities like las flores... and the pressure i could empathize with was probably a small fraction of what these children and their parents feel.

maria told us that in the fields where most of the people in las flores who can work do, they get paid about 200 pesos a day (about $9) but food of a family of five is about 500 pesos. if there is no work that day, most families go without food.

on the way home...

the last few days were filled with intense activity and illness (i caught a cold or sinus infection that knocked me out a bit). the last day of bible school went much better than the day before (there were significantly fewer kids) and we closed the week with a baseball game with men from the community. thankfully it was not americanos vs. domincanos, but rather they split us up and we had fun. we had a closing ceremony in las flores that wrapped up the week in prayer and more play time with the kids.

for me, this summer is about discerning a way to be as opposed to what to do. the thing is, the kids who i spent the week with and asked if i was coming back, the women who opened their homes to us, they know nothing of what i "do." all that matters is that i am there, sharing in God's love with them.

i saw last week how the greatest act of worship is to embody the love that God gives us.

this experience is digging deep into my heart and is one that i will ponder for a long time to come.

DR installment two

2008-07-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

day two

i discovered that you can sling dirt and cut rebar with anyone, regardless of similar language or similar theology. this must be remembered much beyond this trip. if i can build a house, or even teach vacation bible school, with people whose theology is different than mine, can i help build a church with people whose theology is different than mine?

day three

that morning, i was privileged to visit the homes of six families in las flores with another member of my team and the our fabulous translator. the purpose of the home visit is to support the families through prayer, trying to meet more than just the community's physical needs.

preventable tragedy that was the result of systemic poverty and a lack of clean water broke my heart. las flores now has access to clean water, but for so long did not. one of the women we visited had ten children, only four of whom survived to adulthood. one of the girls that we met suffered from a parasite, like heart worm with think, in her heart that kept her form doing anything. it was treated with medicine, treatment made possible by food for the hungry... but an illness that could be prevented.

one of the women also told us that she loves when we come because we bring such joy to the children, because we can love them better than they can. my teammate said it was the love of God we bring. i said it is easier to love for a week than a lifetime... something that feels increasingly true as i return home.

another woman noted that the women on the work teams inspire them to do jobs they didn't think women could do. and still there is not enough work for the community, and injuries and illness have kept some who used to work from being able to support their family. one man we met had an accident two years ago, survived a three month coma, and spent a year trying to learn to walk again (which he still does with great difficulty).

some people look at some of the situations and see miracles of God's healing. that may be true, but i (am i a pessimist? a realist? a cynic?) also see needless and preventable suffering that we shoudl work to combat as a part of building God's kingdom. that is our part of the covenant.

DR installment one

2008-07-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

it is weird to be back in many ways. noises and distractions. the traffic. wider streets. no people on the streets. no one saying hello. and stuff, stuff, stuff.

a little background. northminster presby is the church i grew up in in cincinnati. they have been working with food for the hungry (and international organization) for ten years in the domincan republic, and i believe five years in the community of las flores, in costanza (in the mountains of the DR). over the course of the week, our team helped build two homes for people homeless b/c of hurricanes last year, ran four days of VBS for up to 150 children in the community, and visited 25 homes... all with the help of the people of constanza and las flores.

some thoughts from the trip...

day one:

we went to las flores at four for a "welcoming ceremony" and tour. the community expects the americanos every summer, and so the kids come pouring out of their homes to hold our hands as we walk around their community. my heart was broken by some of what i saw and overflowing by some of what i saw. we were welcomed with unbelievable love as borthers and sisters. and yet, everywhere i turned were signs of deep poverty. but hope... neighborhood organizations, reduced infant mortality rates, a recently completed library... envisioned and created by the community, and cooperation. the poverty is far beyond individual, it is part of a global system. what is my place in the system? how am i responsible or contribute to it?

if moses came down the mountain in the midst of my home communities, what idols would he see us worshiping and claiming not to know where they came from? money, capitalism, institutions, nationalism, self, power...? what idols am i unconsciously worshiping that i need to turn away from?

re-entry

2008-07-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

as i flipped through the pictures i took in the DR with my mom, my heart grew sad. my voice sounded hollow and the pictures almost looked fake as i tried to tell the stories of the week. it paled next to the real experience, and i realized that the experience, even less than twenty four hours later, is starting to slip away.

i thought i would start by re-visiting my top ten lists... my expectations were more than a little off.

top ten things i thought will be challenging about the week:
1. the bugs
2. the heat... we were at an altitude that was fairly comfortable! lots of sweat but beautifully cool nights...
3. making friends... always a way that God's work surprises me.
4. communicating across a language barrier... the most communicating i did was with kids under the age of ten. a lot gets across without words.
5. serving with folks whose theology is different than mine... turns out to shovel dirt, pound nails, or even teach bible school and pray, your theology does not have to totally line up with your partners' theologies.
6. the bugs
7. latrines... didn't have to use one!
8. i am outta shape... physical labor here i come!... which was more embarrassing? awkward shoveling and hammering or a baseball game with domicanos (who play all the time, are in shape, and let's just say can hit the ball... more than i can do). baseball for sure.
9. the bugs
10. the bugs... so in the mountains, the bugs are not nearly as bad as i thought they would be (or as they are in other parts of the country). i only had one incident with a very large bug in the bathroom. and on a hike i got some killer bites that were not mosquitoes. they still itch.

top ten things i was excited about:
1. time with God... being away to "spend time with God" helped clarify how i do spend time with God everyday.
2. communicating across a language barrier... even i can pick up a few words in a week. i feel motivated to try to work on spanish.
3. working with kids (love it!)... both the easiest and hardest thing all week. more later.
4. the heat... i love feeling the warmth of the sun, and sometimes miss that in the bay area.
5. the company... i got to know the church that i grew up at in a new and exciting way.
6. learning to work with folks whose theology is different than mine...
7. not being in charge... for a week, i went were i was told to go when i was told to go there. it was glorious. and i had so much to learn from my teammates.
8. time... without so much "clutter" in my life, i had time to draw, read, play games. i must work on that.
9. no internet... new rule. no internet on vacation. and i should take at least a half day internet vacation once a week. what a relief. made it so much easier to be present on the trip. (internet was available but i resisted).
10. making friends... i hope this week is just the foundation of friendships that stretch across the country and beyond, with people similar to and different than me, and with entire communities. i learned in an all new way what in means to believe in an incarnated, in-relationship God.

there is hope in the ways that God works without us knowing it. i hope that this piece of my journey is woven into the fabric of my life in a way that brings me closer to God's call for me and my place in building God's kingdom.

mission for who?

2008-07-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

tomorrow morning at 3:45 am (no, i am not a morning person... keep in mind too that that is eastern time, and i am not sure my body has adjusted yet...) i will be at church, pack on my back, piling into a van to drive to the cincinnati airport in kentucky, to bounce all over the country and the caribbean before landing in the dominican republic.

if i sound like i am complaining, i probably am, not an admirable way to start a "mission" trip.

top ten things i think will be challenging about the week:
1. the bugs
2. the heat
3. making friends
4. communicating across a language barrier
5. serving with folks whose theology is different than mine
6. the bugs
7. latrines
8. i am outta shape... physical labor here i come!
9. the bug
10. the bugs

top ten things i am excited about:
1. time with God
2. communicating across a language barrier
3. working with kids (love it!)
4. the heat
5. the company
6. learning to work with folks whose theology is different than mine
7. not being in charge
8. time
9. no internet
10. making friends

the funny thing about these kinds of trips, i am don't think i am alone in this sentiment, is that i get as much and generally more than i give out of the experience. in my quest to learn, live and embody micah 6:8 this summer and in my greater journey, this trip feels like a big step. so though fearful of the unknown and of insects of unusual size, here i go.

though i won't be posting while i am gone (unless i can sneak into an internet cafe when in santo domingo) i imagine there will be a plethora of posts as soon as i get home cataloguing the experience.

going home

2008-07-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

back in the midwest, i was glad to drive through corn fields the other day. it was oddly comforting.

and last i drove to an ice cream shop where i wasted hours upon hours hanging out (my best friend in high school worked there) to meet a good friend i have known since i was thirteen.i took less than five minutes to drive there from my parents house... with traffic.

i used to think that was so far away.

geographically and metaphorically... it used to be a small world for me. i can't believe the way it has expanded in the last two years since i have lived in california, the last three since i graduated from college, the last seven since i finished high school and the last eleven since i started high school. whew!

and yet, coming back home know involves a kind of culture shock as well. i go to a church event i find myself one of three out of ten under the age of forty-five. i crave fresh produce and salad that i eat all the time in cali. i roll my eyes when i drive a distance that in downtown oakland would be absolutely silly not to walk.

and from here, i will embark on another journey saturday morning, to the dominican republic. in someways, it is a journey home as i will be spending a week with folks who i remember from church when i was little, folks who played softball with my dad, whose kids i went to high school with. in some ways it will be a vacation, because i have no leadership role, no responsibility, the details have been covered and had nothing to do with me... a long time since i took a "mission" trip where that was the case. and in someways it is a retreat, a chance to spend real, intentional time with God... time i should make more room for in my daily life but have a hard time doing.