more DNC

lady hilary is speaking.

i didn't vote for her. never been a huge fan.

but as the crowd cheered for her, and she stood ready to give a speech in one of the biggest moments of her life, in support of barack obama... i almost cried. it had to take some serious courage, some real chutzpah, some deep down va-jay-jay power, to get up in her screaming loud orange pantsuit (that we all know the talking heads will be commenting more on than what came out of her mouth) and make this speech (and make a pantsuit joke... she indeed referred to the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits).

i am grateful for her courage to make this fight, even if i didn't always like how she fought it. her presence on this stage, her words, will make it easier for me to stand and use my words to claim space as a leader in the church.

proclaiming the word of God

it isn't news that perhaps the way that i "proclaim the word of God" with the most integrity and authenticity is not in the form of a twenty minute homily from a pulpit. i just ain't my bag. it is not who i am. i realize i will have to continue to learn how to do it because there are just to many places that don't understand or won't accept anything else.

but for me, it just is not true.

i discovered this in a new way tonight as i made my first "movie" in months... since my new video camera actually. my movies are little ditties that reflect on scripture or something like that. in this particular video (which i imagine i will post at some point) i discovered that i can pray with my computer. it allows me to synthesize scripture and life in a way i can't do with words alone. it may be an amateur attempt--in fact, i am sure it is--but my "preaching" is an also amateur attempt (isn't "proclaiming the word of God" always a humble activity?). i can preach in a mixture of images, words and sound.... and it can be more true.

so if anyone ever knows of a church looking for a pastor whose sermons are five minute movies instead of twenty minute homilies, let me know.

and what it all boils down to

is that no one has it figured out just yet.

being in middle school when i was (during the debut of ultra angst album, jagged little pill) i can't help but identify with a little alanis morisette on occasion. hand in my pocket (see above lines) was on the radio on my way home tonight as i was pondering bible study, worship and that last year of seminary that starts next week. i don't know what i am doing. from time to time, i feel a flash of confidence in my competence, but overall i am getting used to feeling like i just don't have it figured out just yet. and i will probably never have it figured out. but i will muddle through, as a pastoral presence, as an artist, as a student, as a community member, as a humble offering to God, trying to remember that my best attempt at dealing with the ambiguity and my own ignorance is all i can offer--and it is enough.

embracing the awkwardness

this morning was mbcc's version of taize. i loved it, and it was hard. as shawn encouraged us to... it was an opportunity to embrace the awkwardness, and find God in it.

as my contribution to th service, since it was my turn to "preach," my offering to this contemplative service was my loosely defined version of lectio divina, where we look for visual things in the text. we read the text three times, with a few minutes of silence in between. it was different... and if any of you mbcc-er's out there have comments, i would love to hear them. i personally enjoyed the insights folks shared.

here are the scriptures we used and a bit of the thoughts i prepared for this morning:

EXODUS 1:15-21//

The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah,

"When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live."

The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. Then the king of Egypt summoned the midwives and asked them, "Why have you done this? Why have you let the boys live?"

The midwives answered Pharaoh, "Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive."

So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.

ROMANS 12:1-2//

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

my thoughts...
Many women in the Bible are not names, but the midwives in our story from Exodus are—Shiphrah and Puah. They probably didn’t know their own significance, or expect to be recorded in the annals of their people’s history, but here they are. Shiphrah and Puah simply gave their lives to God, bringing children into the world. They probably didn’t know it, but one the children they helped to bring to life at their own potential peril was Moses—the future liberator of their people. Without the effort of these women, these midwives, there would be no Moses. Without their faithful response to God, their living sacrifice, the transformation of their minds, their people would have stayed enslaved in Egypt. They were partners with God in the covenant, partners in building the kingdom. Their living sacrifice was part of a much larger divine movement towards the kingdom of justice.

Their sacrifice, their transformation, though potentially dangerous, did not kill them but bring more life into the world. God blessed them with families. They continued to live—albeit in a new and more faithful way. As Shiphrah and Puah did, God calls us in to a new life of service, a full life. A life where the ways we serve renew us and sustain. God doesn’t desire that we be burned out, exhausted, or deadened by serving. God was us to be changed and transformed by our service. God wants our growth, our health and our happiness. God wants our sacrifice to be one that promotes life—both in ourselves, and others.

We are often ignorant—as Shiphrah and Puah probably were—of the ways that we contribute to the building of God’s kingdom—but we must be transformed in even the smallest ways, because, by the power of the Holy Spirit, we will make change, we will be transformed, we will serve God.

here and now

it feels like i have posted in a million years even though it has only been eight days.

i find myself with a huge challenge in the last week. enjoying where i am, who i am with, when i am there.

there is too much going on right now, and no way to fix it at the present moment. and yet all of it is a gift. the gift of my parents visiting (hence the blog drought). the luxury of art making. the gift of community and fellowship over worship, food, art, movies, drinks, bible study, meetings, etc. the gift of a happy home at the end of the day. even the gift and privilege of being able to seek ordination and jump through hoops.

but i cannot enjoy these gifts from God if i am too busy worrying about the others gifts i will have to attend to tomorrow. and next week. and next month. and next year.

so this evening, i will enjoy the here and now and thank God for the many gifts i have been given this week.

art works

a group of san jose students are using theater to educate their communities about dealing with immigration and customs enforcement. click here for the full story.

art works.

forever an optimist

watching the opening ceremonies of the olympics, my heart melts with both joy and sorrow.

there is one team who have brought women with them for the first time (i think the united arab emirates). and soon after, afghanistan enters the stadium, without its only female athlete... who disappeared a month ago from italy, thought to be applying for asylum because of threats against her life for trying to compete.

for the athletes who are representing their small countries, walking in the opening ceremonies is there biggest moment. because of training, coaching and financial disparities, they may not make it past the first round. they exhibit courage and pride walking across the stadium, sometimes alone.

this opening ceremony is exceptionally artful. a giant painting has been created throughout the event, and each athlete who processes in contributes to it. they walk across a giant stamp pad, creating sweeping swaths of color as trod across the artwork.

BRILLIANT!

i know it isn't all bright and shiny. but in an effort to look for the good in the world, this is one of the few moments where many americans pause and together look outside our borders, cheering for folks from countries we can't find, learning about countries we may have never heard of and finding common ground. and yes, we might hope our team wins in the end, but we are looking outward instead of inward.

NNPCW rocks my world

the national network of presbyterian college women just might be the most fabulous part of PCUSA. though no longer a "college woman"(i am a student...) i always wanted to go to a nnpcw leadership event and never could make it while i was in college. but here i am in the same city as their annual leadership event, so i signed up and today i went.

"no one can give you the work you must do... your soul must call forth the work."
rev. dr. katie cannon's keynote this morning took my breath away. she taught me a lot about myself. she challenged us to listen to our pleasure... something difficult for me. i think life should be hard, and that if i am not stressed and stretched, i am not working hard enough. i tend to think that if i am not hurting in some way, i am not contributing to the world. rev. dr. cannon reminded me that what we love, what gives us joys, what connects us with the divine is the imago dei in us... and to step on that or to allow others to step on that is a sin.

it is important to remember those folk who got me where i am... there are a long list of them... but it is also important to be able to see the contributions i make to others. these days i find myself apologizing to others (perhaps for no reason, or before the fact, or just in case) and calling myself/thinking of myself as just a minion--a tiny, replaceable cog in a big machine. maybe this is true, maybe it is not. but i, of all people, should not be giving myself a hard time. i am my biggest obstacle most often, and rev. dr. cannon showed me that... something important to remember as i embark on new journeys as a "pastoral assistant" and "local assistant to the moderator" (i promise to try to stop calling myself a minion and thinking of myself that way. big sin.)

and after this bit of church (it was a sacred time and place) i lead a workshop. there... i claimed my authority. i lead a workshop and had a blast! six fabulous women joined me and we played with art, talking through how the arts can contribute to our faith lives and social change. we did a visual lectio divina of micah 6:6-8, in two languages. i learned from each of the women about who God calls us to be. the beautiful images they created are still swirling in my head. i was worried i wouldn't be able to fill up an hour and a half (and yes found myself apologizing to these ladies before we had even done anything) and couldn't believe how quickly the time went. i hope they had as much fn as i did. and i hope that i am blessed enough to continue to work with some of these women in the church in the future.

so in closing, i heart nnpcw and you should too.

generation kill

as fans of the wire, brad and i figured we would watch generation kill which is produced by the same guy (whose name, of course, eludes me). we are on the third episode and are not sure how we feel about it. it is intense.

what is intriguing me the most is some of the largely universal ethical questions that it engages. episode three main question for me: to what extent are we personally responsible for corporate actions?

in the military, there is a clear chain of command. responsibility is often passed upward until the powerful can stop that process. in some ways, i think this process of authority requires more moral agency than when acting alone. when working within complex systems of authority, the individual must have a clear grasp on what their responsibility is within the system, and be continually vigilant for injustice, so that said individual can act to stop injustice when necessary. when acting alone, we only have to worry about ourselves. when acting within system, we must be aware of what is going on around us, what others are doing, how we interact with them, and the extent to which we are powerful.

one of the sergeant's (i think that was his rank in the show) gave an order for a man in his humvee to shoot. he was acting on orders from above that said all iraqis were considered hostile, and therefore targets. at the time, this sergeant had no idea who he was ordering fire upon. later the unit discovers a young boy injured (probably fatally) in the attack. the sergeant took responsibility. was it his fault? was it the fault of the one who pulled the trigger? was it the fault of the higher ups, who declared who was hostile or who put them in that country int he first place? every character on the show seemed to have a different perspective on the question of fault.

the sergeant in question had been the most vigilant about gathering intel, protecting civilians, making correct observations, throughout the first three episodes. he is painted as the intellectual with the cool head. and he is at fault.

i know this is a "fake" situation. the details may not be real, but the question, the dilemma certainly is. how do we reconcile all of this?

i do know that God weeps.

what i learned at "church" today

1. you can't serve a congregation the size of MBCC communion by intinction out of one chalice
2. it is embarrassing to walk from the your seat in the front row, to the kitchen to get a second chalice, and back to the front the to mr. moderator who is entertaining the troops while he waits for chalice #2
3. you can have more than one church home and it is ok
4. church don't stop when service is over
5. bible study can be fun... and i like discussing the scandalous and appalling stories with beautiful people
6. i have some much to learn about God and love from the blessings of all the people God has surrounded me with