There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
ephesians 4:4-6
unity is a concept that gets tossed around... but what does it really mean when we talk about bodies (both communities and our own bodies)? so i want to think in terms of wholeness... wholeness that is true to our one hope and one calling, as individual bodies, and corporate bodies.
right now, i am living anything but one calling. today felt like one of those days where i am mired in multiple callings, unable to fully respond to any of them. i try to "unify" my art, my education, my ministry, my work, somehow in my being, but i come up feeling pulled in different directions.
and then i look at the wider body of christ that i am a part of... the PCUSA. it too is pulled in many directions, and may be pulled apart. but where is our wholeness? in the midst of our debates, have we lost our ability to be whole? to live as whole individuals and as a whole body? does sacrificing this wholeness to a debate mean we are not living up to this scriptural calling? would we better be whole as two bodies?
how does that tension apply to my life? in this same way, i have my foot in a bunch of communities right now, and it is tearing me to shreds. i feel like i cannot serve any of them, or myself for that matter, as best i can, and yet, i will be in "liminal" place for almost two more years. so how to deal?
one God who is over all and through all and in all...
if they meant all, really all, then i can learn to live in this liminal place. it may take time to find that wholeness, but God is in it all.
can the PCUSA learn to live... whole... in a liminal place filled with tension? i just don't know.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
this thing called leadership
so mission bay community church says good bye to the big silver box @ 1040 mariposa this week and says hello to 32 ocean.
and this week i sat in my organizational leadership class and tried to define a "christian congregation." what a mess. i have experienced christian congregations, but trying to put that experience in a small box of a few specific words is difficult--especially when you have a tendency to get bogged down in post-modern deconstruction. but it was an extremely fruitful conversation for it messiness, and the true messiness of the concept is what i took away from the conversation.
so if it is hard to define "congregation," it seems even harder to me to define congregational leadership, the role of a congregational leader, or what i should be as a congregational leader. and in this move process, i find myself (whether jumping in or being thrown in i am not sure) making decisions, supervising work, packing boxes, cleaning... all kinds of ways i guess i manifest my congregational leadership. some of these ways have been surprising for me. i had to trust myself (and God for sure) as i spent thousands on new carpet--a color no one but me had seen yet. the following day, i realized that there was just as much leadership required to sweat out the moving of furniture, books, and whatever else we found to prepare to have the carpet installed. and to work on negotiating sharing space, meet new people i will be in a new kind of community with (as two "congregations" will be sharing church space)... the list goes on.
this moving process is teaching me what leadership is and what a congregation is ways the discussion in class never will--but in ways that would be seriously less significant without the discussion in class. i am deeply grateful for the "congregation" at mission bay that is allowing me this experiment, this trial and error, this growth, in leadership... and those many folks in the congregation that model leadership for me. i didn't lift boxes alone.
on that note... shout out to shannon powers, our most fabulous move coordinator, queen of the transition. and ricky, tammie, simona, as well as the janitors and the staff @ ocean ave. presbyterian church for short notice help preparing the space for the carpet.
and this week i sat in my organizational leadership class and tried to define a "christian congregation." what a mess. i have experienced christian congregations, but trying to put that experience in a small box of a few specific words is difficult--especially when you have a tendency to get bogged down in post-modern deconstruction. but it was an extremely fruitful conversation for it messiness, and the true messiness of the concept is what i took away from the conversation.
so if it is hard to define "congregation," it seems even harder to me to define congregational leadership, the role of a congregational leader, or what i should be as a congregational leader. and in this move process, i find myself (whether jumping in or being thrown in i am not sure) making decisions, supervising work, packing boxes, cleaning... all kinds of ways i guess i manifest my congregational leadership. some of these ways have been surprising for me. i had to trust myself (and God for sure) as i spent thousands on new carpet--a color no one but me had seen yet. the following day, i realized that there was just as much leadership required to sweat out the moving of furniture, books, and whatever else we found to prepare to have the carpet installed. and to work on negotiating sharing space, meet new people i will be in a new kind of community with (as two "congregations" will be sharing church space)... the list goes on.
this moving process is teaching me what leadership is and what a congregation is ways the discussion in class never will--but in ways that would be seriously less significant without the discussion in class. i am deeply grateful for the "congregation" at mission bay that is allowing me this experiment, this trial and error, this growth, in leadership... and those many folks in the congregation that model leadership for me. i didn't lift boxes alone.
on that note... shout out to shannon powers, our most fabulous move coordinator, queen of the transition. and ricky, tammie, simona, as well as the janitors and the staff @ ocean ave. presbyterian church for short notice help preparing the space for the carpet.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
succulent wild women in the ministry
during the last two weeks of my organizational leadership class, we have heard from three very different lady pastors. rev. patricia de jong at first congregational berkeley, rev. lynice pinkard at first congregational oakland, and rev. sharon macarthur at sycamore congregational.
i didn't know any women in pastoral leadership growing up... not until college. the presbyterian church had long (ish) been ordaining women, but i didn't see any models. i grew up with parents who told me time and time again i could be whatever i wanted to be when i grew up, but i didn't dream of being a pastor.
and here i am, with three women, three saints, who have stood before me and told their stories. they each use their own gifts, follow their own call, and are leaders in their own way. they are models for me not for any particular skill, but for the way that they embody God's call and the life of Christ.
so i lift these names as saints and thank them for their presence, ministry and the way they have inspired me.
uplift your saints. be a saint for others.
(cheesiness officially finished for the day i promise).
i didn't know any women in pastoral leadership growing up... not until college. the presbyterian church had long (ish) been ordaining women, but i didn't see any models. i grew up with parents who told me time and time again i could be whatever i wanted to be when i grew up, but i didn't dream of being a pastor.
and here i am, with three women, three saints, who have stood before me and told their stories. they each use their own gifts, follow their own call, and are leaders in their own way. they are models for me not for any particular skill, but for the way that they embody God's call and the life of Christ.
so i lift these names as saints and thank them for their presence, ministry and the way they have inspired me.
uplift your saints. be a saint for others.
(cheesiness officially finished for the day i promise).
Sunday, September 21, 2008
learning to fail
so we made a valiant attempt at snorkeling on catalina. upon arriving on the island, when i saw that snorkeling was and option, i jumped up and down and did a happy dance. it is just about my favorite thing to do in the world. i love fish, i love the ocean, i love looking at fish in the ocean. and i had done it before... this seemed like as easy prospect.
ha! no.
to start with, the water is only sort of warm on catalina... and by sort of warm, i mean warmer than northern california, but not warm by any one's objective opinion i am sure. we discovered this as we were going down the steps into the ocean (there was no beach in this cove) and halfway down we were already getting mouthfuls of salt water from the waves. having passed on the wetsuits, but seeing the few people in the water in wetsuits, we retreated to rent wetsuits.
significantly warmer, we made attempt #2. now, i wear glasses. generally in life, i keep at least one pair of contacts around for activities... such as snorkeling... that really don't work with glasses. right now, no contacts. so i played with my mask until I got my glasses wedged in, but the mask wouldn't seal. so i knew it would fill up with water, i just hoped it would happen slowly. the waves we still pounding the rocks and the pebble beach and we stumbled in. it was a fight to get out over the waves, and as soon as i felt like i was in water i could handle i looked down at the fish. as soon as i started to discover the joy of the fish, i was breathing in water from my mask filling up. and then the choking begins. so as i am getting my bearings breathing, i am being tossed around in the waves. in less then ten minutes, i headed back for the steps, getting bumped and bruised on the rocks along the way as i struggled to get out. my few minutes of snorkeling left me out of breath with my heart racing.
so the strategic decision was made to try later in the day. the locals said it would be calmer. they must have been kidding. we tried again and lasted no longer. for all the effort, for all the money (well it wasn't that much), i got a good look at one fish with blue stripes.
i pouted for a bit after all of this. poor brad, he put up with it. and in the over-analyzing, over-reflecting bit that i do, i realized that more than being disappointed that i did not see many fish, i felt like i failed. i was pouting about failing, not about missing the fish. so i took this opportunity to try to get friendly with failure. when people asked what we did that day, i tried to proudly proclaim that we tried to snorkel and just couldn't. i tried to relish in that one fish i saw. i tried to consider at adventure complete--traditionally successful or not.
and finally, i thought through what i learned:
1. always have a pair of contacts available for activities such as this.
2. the ocean is as beautiful in its power as it is in it color and diversity.
3. the power of the ocean is something to be respected.
4. keep trying new and scary things.... but know when to quit.
ha! no.
to start with, the water is only sort of warm on catalina... and by sort of warm, i mean warmer than northern california, but not warm by any one's objective opinion i am sure. we discovered this as we were going down the steps into the ocean (there was no beach in this cove) and halfway down we were already getting mouthfuls of salt water from the waves. having passed on the wetsuits, but seeing the few people in the water in wetsuits, we retreated to rent wetsuits.
significantly warmer, we made attempt #2. now, i wear glasses. generally in life, i keep at least one pair of contacts around for activities... such as snorkeling... that really don't work with glasses. right now, no contacts. so i played with my mask until I got my glasses wedged in, but the mask wouldn't seal. so i knew it would fill up with water, i just hoped it would happen slowly. the waves we still pounding the rocks and the pebble beach and we stumbled in. it was a fight to get out over the waves, and as soon as i felt like i was in water i could handle i looked down at the fish. as soon as i started to discover the joy of the fish, i was breathing in water from my mask filling up. and then the choking begins. so as i am getting my bearings breathing, i am being tossed around in the waves. in less then ten minutes, i headed back for the steps, getting bumped and bruised on the rocks along the way as i struggled to get out. my few minutes of snorkeling left me out of breath with my heart racing.
so the strategic decision was made to try later in the day. the locals said it would be calmer. they must have been kidding. we tried again and lasted no longer. for all the effort, for all the money (well it wasn't that much), i got a good look at one fish with blue stripes.
i pouted for a bit after all of this. poor brad, he put up with it. and in the over-analyzing, over-reflecting bit that i do, i realized that more than being disappointed that i did not see many fish, i felt like i failed. i was pouting about failing, not about missing the fish. so i took this opportunity to try to get friendly with failure. when people asked what we did that day, i tried to proudly proclaim that we tried to snorkel and just couldn't. i tried to relish in that one fish i saw. i tried to consider at adventure complete--traditionally successful or not.
and finally, i thought through what i learned:
1. always have a pair of contacts available for activities such as this.
2. the ocean is as beautiful in its power as it is in it color and diversity.
3. the power of the ocean is something to be respected.
4. keep trying new and scary things.... but know when to quit.
Friday, September 19, 2008
education happens everywhere
distance and perspective can be a beautiful thing. a couple hundred miles from home, looking out onto the ocean is a fantastic place to consider where i am in life and what i am doing.
this week i dropped two classes. i am only taking nine credit hours, something i have never done as long as i have been in school (except for that one part time semester where i worked full time). i found out i couldn't possibly be done with my coursework required for ordination before spring 2010. simultaneous to receiving this information, i was drowning in school work, emails, admin for mbcc and arrangements, arrangements, arrangements for mr mod and mr. vice-mod. i wasn't caught up on anything, and couldn't do it any more.
so i pulled back. i dropped some classes, decided to keep my gigs and stretch out my last year of seminary into two. this goes against so many culture values and personal baggage that i hold (values i wish i didn't have, but that i must admit i do). i feel like i am wasting money b/c nine credit hours costs the same as fifteen do. i feel like i am so how failing or not working hard enough b/c i won't finish my three year program in three years. education is a gift and a prize, and i feel like i am thumbing my nose at a fantastic gift.
and yet, this may be one of the times in my life that i make a decision that values me. i have stopped and realized that my lifestyle was no longer healthy or sustainable. i value me.
i also realized, as i speak to pastors, as i see how the denomination works, as i pour myself into a faith community, that my education is no longer (if it ever was) restricted to the classroom. god has shown me all kinds of other places to learn valuable skills to this vocation of pastoring that i am pursuing, and i cannot ignore the learning i am doing at mbcc or in the pcusa.
and so my choice is for balance--between learning in the classroom, the local church, and the denomination, in hopes that i get an even more complete education when i finally do graduate.
after a weekend on the beach, the work will be achieving that balance.
this week i dropped two classes. i am only taking nine credit hours, something i have never done as long as i have been in school (except for that one part time semester where i worked full time). i found out i couldn't possibly be done with my coursework required for ordination before spring 2010. simultaneous to receiving this information, i was drowning in school work, emails, admin for mbcc and arrangements, arrangements, arrangements for mr mod and mr. vice-mod. i wasn't caught up on anything, and couldn't do it any more.
so i pulled back. i dropped some classes, decided to keep my gigs and stretch out my last year of seminary into two. this goes against so many culture values and personal baggage that i hold (values i wish i didn't have, but that i must admit i do). i feel like i am wasting money b/c nine credit hours costs the same as fifteen do. i feel like i am so how failing or not working hard enough b/c i won't finish my three year program in three years. education is a gift and a prize, and i feel like i am thumbing my nose at a fantastic gift.
and yet, this may be one of the times in my life that i make a decision that values me. i have stopped and realized that my lifestyle was no longer healthy or sustainable. i value me.
i also realized, as i speak to pastors, as i see how the denomination works, as i pour myself into a faith community, that my education is no longer (if it ever was) restricted to the classroom. god has shown me all kinds of other places to learn valuable skills to this vocation of pastoring that i am pursuing, and i cannot ignore the learning i am doing at mbcc or in the pcusa.
and so my choice is for balance--between learning in the classroom, the local church, and the denomination, in hopes that i get an even more complete education when i finally do graduate.
after a weekend on the beach, the work will be achieving that balance.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
my own found poetry?
i do not consider myself a wordsmith, but as i worked with a through a number of biblical texts this summer, i found myself wanting to make them my own. so i scrambled and re-ordered them until it followed the lessons i learned from these texts, the way they spoke to me over the last few months. here is what i got:
shall I give
the fruit of my body
for the sin of my soul
who am I that I should go
I will be with you
this shall be the sign
I am who I am
it is God
who is at work in you
transforming the beloved
with whom I am well pleased
truly I tell you as you did
to one of the least
you did to me
the Lord requires
loving kindness
living sacrifice
a humble walk
on holy ground
with your God
based on passages from
micah 6
joel 2
romans 12
exodus 3
phillipians 2
matthew 3
matthew 25
shall I give
the fruit of my body
for the sin of my soul
who am I that I should go
I will be with you
this shall be the sign
I am who I am
it is God
who is at work in you
transforming the beloved
with whom I am well pleased
truly I tell you as you did
to one of the least
you did to me
the Lord requires
loving kindness
living sacrifice
a humble walk
on holy ground
with your God
based on passages from
micah 6
joel 2
romans 12
exodus 3
phillipians 2
matthew 3
matthew 25
Friday, September 12, 2008
rollercoaster ride
the last twenty four hours for me has oscillated between hope and despair about my faith community, its future, and my place in it.
last night i attended the opening of the 2008 new immigrant ministries convocation. i was amazed by the global representation in the room, and the passion and energy for new ways of being the church. i was inspired to follow my own call, to reach across arbitrary boundaries we set up, and to more closely follow jesus. in short, i felt deeply hopeful about the PCUSA and my potential to contribute to it. a happy place to be having just changed my status in the ordination process to that of a candidate.
today i puttered about presbyland in my role as local assistant to the moderator. nevering have visited ournational headquarters, i met lots and lots of folks i can only hope to remember. i sat in on lots of conversations and attended the chapel service (led by the new immigrant ministry advisory committee... with a meditation by mr. vicemod, rev. dr. byron wade). i took a tour of the building. i got to know the staff that i willbe working with in the two years better. i shook the stated clerk's hand.
i am beginning to see the inside of the church and it ain't all puppies, kittens, and roses. there was a time in my life that i was disillusioned by what i saw at a congregational level. i have matured in my understanding about the local church and now know how to take the good with the bad. but i guess i have been wearing rose colored glasses in the last few months when i look at the life of the denomination, and there have been cracks, but they are being shattered and falling apart. the post-GA glow has faded and i find myself asking the hard questions about participating in a denomination that is (sometimes deeply) flawed.
i am going to have to deeply wrestle with this in the next year as a candidate, drawing boundaries between dedicating my life to God and dedicating it to an institution.
last night i attended the opening of the 2008 new immigrant ministries convocation. i was amazed by the global representation in the room, and the passion and energy for new ways of being the church. i was inspired to follow my own call, to reach across arbitrary boundaries we set up, and to more closely follow jesus. in short, i felt deeply hopeful about the PCUSA and my potential to contribute to it. a happy place to be having just changed my status in the ordination process to that of a candidate.
today i puttered about presbyland in my role as local assistant to the moderator. nevering have visited ournational headquarters, i met lots and lots of folks i can only hope to remember. i sat in on lots of conversations and attended the chapel service (led by the new immigrant ministry advisory committee... with a meditation by mr. vicemod, rev. dr. byron wade). i took a tour of the building. i got to know the staff that i willbe working with in the two years better. i shook the stated clerk's hand.
i am beginning to see the inside of the church and it ain't all puppies, kittens, and roses. there was a time in my life that i was disillusioned by what i saw at a congregational level. i have matured in my understanding about the local church and now know how to take the good with the bad. but i guess i have been wearing rose colored glasses in the last few months when i look at the life of the denomination, and there have been cracks, but they are being shattered and falling apart. the post-GA glow has faded and i find myself asking the hard questions about participating in a denomination that is (sometimes deeply) flawed.
i am going to have to deeply wrestle with this in the next year as a candidate, drawing boundaries between dedicating my life to God and dedicating it to an institution.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
moving on up
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
ephesians 3:14-19
this was the charge/prayer given to me by the moderator of the presbytery of Cincinnati, Rev. Tom York upon becoming a candidate.
earlier in the day, i met with the committee on the preparation for ministry. they asked my why i thought that i was specifically called to be a minister of the word and sacrament. i didn't know what to say. i was rather speechless.
i have trouble claiming what i have to offer the church, what i have to offer God. i felt stuck in early Moses-mode... but God, why me? i am slow of speech and clumsy with words and pretty much everything... and yet, here i am, in front of this committee, preparing to go in front of the presbytery, whatever am i doing here???
in between meeting with the committee and being examined in front of the presbytery, we worshiped. i gave up the worries to God, asking for something greater than me to be present with me in the meeting. i tried to be honest with myself about my passions and energies within the church, what i have given the church and what i am prepared to give.
i think it is sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves in positive ways when we come from a tradition that honors and expects humility and communal discernment and strength. it is hard to be honest with myself as a woman. it is hard to be honest about my gifts when surrounded by theologies and moral anthropologies that emphasize the depravity of humanity.
so i stood in front of the presbytery and talked about my energy, my vision of the gospel as an artist, and the way i hope to use that gift to interpret the love of God to folks who may not understand or connect with the traditional ways we express that love. and i believed myself, i believed in my call to serve as a minister of the Word and Sacrament in the PCUSA. I might have been the hardest one to convince in the room.
afterward, one of the commissioners came up and told me to be able to speak to my own gifts, to not hid my light, because it is that light, those gifts, that give glory to God.
Amen.
So, i embark on a new part of the discernment journey.
ephesians 3:14-19
this was the charge/prayer given to me by the moderator of the presbytery of Cincinnati, Rev. Tom York upon becoming a candidate.
earlier in the day, i met with the committee on the preparation for ministry. they asked my why i thought that i was specifically called to be a minister of the word and sacrament. i didn't know what to say. i was rather speechless.
i have trouble claiming what i have to offer the church, what i have to offer God. i felt stuck in early Moses-mode... but God, why me? i am slow of speech and clumsy with words and pretty much everything... and yet, here i am, in front of this committee, preparing to go in front of the presbytery, whatever am i doing here???
in between meeting with the committee and being examined in front of the presbytery, we worshiped. i gave up the worries to God, asking for something greater than me to be present with me in the meeting. i tried to be honest with myself about my passions and energies within the church, what i have given the church and what i am prepared to give.
i think it is sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves in positive ways when we come from a tradition that honors and expects humility and communal discernment and strength. it is hard to be honest with myself as a woman. it is hard to be honest about my gifts when surrounded by theologies and moral anthropologies that emphasize the depravity of humanity.
so i stood in front of the presbytery and talked about my energy, my vision of the gospel as an artist, and the way i hope to use that gift to interpret the love of God to folks who may not understand or connect with the traditional ways we express that love. and i believed myself, i believed in my call to serve as a minister of the Word and Sacrament in the PCUSA. I might have been the hardest one to convince in the room.
afterward, one of the commissioners came up and told me to be able to speak to my own gifts, to not hid my light, because it is that light, those gifts, that give glory to God.
Amen.
So, i embark on a new part of the discernment journey.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
looking in a mirror
sometimes, looking at artwork i have made is like looking in a mirror. it reflects who i was an the moment or moments that i made it, reveals parts of who i am that i cannot always see clearly otherwise.
so when i see complete stangers... a couple dozen of them... experiencing my artwork. i get a little nervous. it is like that naked dream where you show up at school and suddenly realize that you have no clothes on. as delighted as i was that people actually showed up at the opening of unFound last night, i felt panicked, vulnerable and exposed. it got better as the evening wore on, and i found myself more and more comfortable. but, it was perhaps the hardest part of the whole art process.
as brad noticed these feelings, my squeamish-ness, he asked what was with that. "isn't showing it to people the whole point?"
maybe. mayne not. isn't making art the whole point? or is it like the tree that falls in the forest... if no one is there to hear it, does it not make a noise? if the art is made but not shown, is it not art?
no matter, unFound was made and shown. a new part of the journey begins.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
shameless self-promotion
wondering how I have been spending my time? this weekend hoang-anh tran and i are opening unFound at central united methodist in stockton, ca. visit our blog here and if you are in the area at any point during this little journey, come check us out.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
what i learned at school today
today could have very well been my last, first day of school. i have oscillated between being elated and saddened by that fact. so what did i learn at school today?
1. rev. dr. mr. president bill mckinney brought it in chapel today and reminded me that without love, none of this matters, or even make sense. without love, faith and this seminary journey is empty.
2. dr. randall miller, who i am so excited to learn from in a course called "ethics, the bible and sexuality," reminded me of the gift of my education and my obligation to share it with others.
3. brad corban reminded me that school is fun.
4. one of the articles i was skimming while i should have been listening, pointed out that i need to heal my sickness or hurry and savor all these moments. so put down the laptop, stop reading something else and freaking pay attention in class! and through some good old fashioned discipline at your spiritual life and stop simply complaining about having no time for God! stop whining. (my version...)
5. dietrich bonhoeffer taught me to live a life of faith without reservation. bill mckinney reminded me that to do that, i cannot live as dietrich bonhoeffer did but i have to live in relationship to myself as dietrich bonhoeffer lived in relationship to himself... if you follow.
in this attempt t make more time for God, i will make more time for the blog, as in the last year, it has been my most disciplined spiritual practice.
here we go. cheers to another year!
1. rev. dr. mr. president bill mckinney brought it in chapel today and reminded me that without love, none of this matters, or even make sense. without love, faith and this seminary journey is empty.
2. dr. randall miller, who i am so excited to learn from in a course called "ethics, the bible and sexuality," reminded me of the gift of my education and my obligation to share it with others.
3. brad corban reminded me that school is fun.
4. one of the articles i was skimming while i should have been listening, pointed out that i need to heal my sickness or hurry and savor all these moments. so put down the laptop, stop reading something else and freaking pay attention in class! and through some good old fashioned discipline at your spiritual life and stop simply complaining about having no time for God! stop whining. (my version...)
5. dietrich bonhoeffer taught me to live a life of faith without reservation. bill mckinney reminded me that to do that, i cannot live as dietrich bonhoeffer did but i have to live in relationship to myself as dietrich bonhoeffer lived in relationship to himself... if you follow.
in this attempt t make more time for God, i will make more time for the blog, as in the last year, it has been my most disciplined spiritual practice.
here we go. cheers to another year!
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