so i received this wonderful grant for this summer. i basically get to design a ministry project and do it. there are very few guidelines. easy right?
WRONG!
this is throwing me into an existential crisis. and i have had all year to think about it. i had a plan that is not going to work out, and i am back to square one for the most part.
my seminary experience has given me a deep desire to follow Jesus and walk toward God, being who God made me to be, using the gifts God gave me, to bring some modicum of justice and love into the world that was not here before. just a little bit. not looking for much. i feel a pressing desire to commit my life to being a disciple of jesus.
there is a little irony in that.
i mean... i am in seminary. i moved across the country to come here. i am working in a church. i preach on occasion. i make little God videos. i paint for peace when i can. am i a disciple already and just can't see it?
but back to this summer thing... what to do?
"'For God's sake, do something brave' was once the call of Ulrich Zwingli (what an unfortunate name) to his contemporaries (i mean he is a famous reformation guy, but still unfortunate name). Not feel, or think, or consider or meditate! Not turn it over in your head and mind! But do something brave."... Karl Barth (with my comments too) in The Call to Discipleship (which is actually an excerpt of something else)
I feel like I have done so much of the feeling, thinking, considering and meditating, but I have no idea what to do. none. barth says it as easy as responding to what jesus proposes to us. i can't hear jesus. he is not being obvious enough for my dense self. so what to do? i want to be brave. to step out. to use this as an opportunity to change my life, but how?
i keep coming back to this scripture in my wrestling...
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
... micah 6:8
i feel like God has shown me what is good. but what does God require of me?? how do i act justly, love mercy and walk humbly?? how can i contribute to the good? i am listening... micah, jesus, God, anyone?
3 comments:
I find that when I don't know how or if I can make a difference, I find it is usually because I am looking too far from home, too far from myself.
It is hard to know what we are called to do, perhaps we are never supposed to know...like Lady in the Water did not know she was the Queen Narf.
true enough. i am afriad it may be right under my nose and i do not see it.
When you figure out how to live out Micah's call, give me a ring--I'd like to know the answer, too.
Meanwhile, my friend, good luck with the wrestling; I know that's a frustrating but important process.
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