insomnia

last night i couldn't sleep. i had two tests today. neither of which i was particularly concerned about (they were open book and last night, i figured if i haven't learned it by now, i am not going to). but even without conscious test anxiety, i could not sleep. i wanted to just jump out of bed and take the test that second. i so desired that feeling of finishing, i so desperately wanted that relaxation that could only come after the exams, that i just wanted to get it over with.

this ignores a big reality: that the tests themselves were experiences i could learn from and as such should not be rushed but relished.

but even with that attitude, even knowing that now, where do i find peace while i wait? it seems whether i am waiting for the good or the bad, the beautiful or the ugly, the exhilarating or the devastating, i only know how to wait in anxiety.

"see the home of God is among mortals. he will dwell with them; they will be his peoples and God himself will be with them. he will wipe every tear from their eyes. death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more for the first things have passed away."
revelation 21:3-4.

i wait for justice. i wait for healing. i wait for love. i wait for God.

God promises that the first things will pass away, but how do i wait for that reality not in anxiety but in peaceful anticipation? what do i do when the hope fo teh promise is not enough to bring peace?

sometimes i think i find peace in the bus[i]yness. if i move fast enough, if i do enough things to prepare, i will not notice that i am worried. for example, if i study hard enough (whether i need to or not) i will feel like i am doing something toward finishing the semester and so will not actively worry while i wait. but are these actions just empty? does that lead to a real life of peace? is that co-creating with God? doing my part to bring an end to pain? or is it trying to control, to play god, to numb my own pain?