so it begins

in the last year, it has seemed that my life has followed the pattern of the liturgical year. during advent, i felt pregnant with the possibilities of my future ministry. now, i feel called by the purposes of lent.

recommitment.

renewal.

repentance.

i am on the cusp of transition, but fear i will lose myself before i make the change. i have been up and down and in and out with my faith and my call in the last three years. some days, some moments, i can articulate that journey, other days and moments, i hardly even notice the path. i need to recommit to this calling i chose to prepare for as i actually enter it.

i teeter on the edge of burnout. i feel like i am putting out fires all week, only to start with new fires at the beginning of another week. i have spent most evenings in the last two weeks on my couch with my laptop, writing paper, writing eZines, writing emails... after days full of running around. i find myself occasionally overwhelmed by the have-to's and thus unable to address the want-to's. i know i just need to finish school, and then readjust, but i do think i can change now. there is a way to make this work. i want to find it. i want to be renewed for the rest of the seminary journey.

i was recently told that i am often an abby-like blur on campus, rather than the full presence of myself. when i become that blur, it becomes all about me. what i need done. who i need to talk to. what steps i have to take to get ordained. which hoops i am jumping through this week. what is my theology, my vocation, my call, my context, my tradition, my, my, my. what about ours? what about my family? my friends? my neighbors? my community? i confess to navel gazing and hope to repent through this lent season. i don't know if my blog is the place to do that. i am not sure. i hope to blog everyday, because it is a reflective practice, and lent is also about reflection. but, it ain't about me. it's about God.

i will try to walk that tension for the next forty days. let me know how i am doing and what your suggestions are for turning my gaze upward, and outward for these last few months of seminary.