where i am

times of disorientation, when i feel more like staying where i am, than moving forward or backward. at least i know where i am now. it may be a mess, but it is my mess, my predictable mess, the mess that i understand. not long ago, i wanted to get out of seminary as fast as i could. now, i long for every last moment of every class, every last drop of insight, every formative relationship, every minute that i know that though i am in ministry, i am not the one in charge. i can always pass along the big stuff, the annoying stuff, the unmanageable stuff, to someone more capable.

this, it seems, may not be so sooner than i expected. but of course, i don't really know.

at the same time as i seem to be coming of age professionally (or on the verge of doing so), i am coming of age in new ways personally. the global economic shifts have caused personal shifts, and there is no one to pass the responsibility along to. i must deal.

i know where i am know. i do know where i will be or what i will be doing six months from now, and the fear has set in. it seems that times of fear are times when we might need our faith the most. can mine stand up? can it practically support decisions i must make about how much to spend or not spend, how long of a lease to sign, how to negotiate my future, when to grow up?

i am counting on God being bigger than my imagination right now.