novice...

How do you do something you know you are going to not be very good at? This seems to be the perpetual condition of my life. I am learning everything. How to be an adult. How to pay the bills. How to get along with my husband and get the dishes done. How to negotiate two families during the holidays. How to be family with three thousand miles in between. How to be an intern at a church. How to work at a church. How to love worship again.

I find myself dumbfounded, lost and a little confused as worship wraps up at MBCC. It is a very friendly place, filled with fabulous Bay Area types, open and welcoming. The air is even alive with energy as everyone finds someone to chat with after worship. There is a flurry of activity in and around the kitchen as people refill coffee, return their mugs, eat treats, and catch up. Everyone is busy, and there I stand, alone and awkward. Reminds me of middle school.

So what is the deal? It is certainly a friendly place. I certainly really enjoy the company of the people in the community that I have met. But, it is like being "in church" sucks the social skills out of me. Why?

Growing up, I was a part of church life. There was always something to do or somewhere to go after church. We never mingled because we had to go to youth group, or Sunday school or a soccer game, or a fundraiser or whatever. If we didn't have somewhere to go, we didn't really do coffee hour. I don't remember it.

And it in some ways I think it is like middle school. Everyone is friendly, but I don't feel cool enough. All my inadequacies and awkwardness are magnified in my head as I stand alone... making everything I say sound dumb to my ears, making it harder to say anything at all. A vicious cycle. Middle school memories have a way of sticking with you.

This is the point of growth I want to work on--knowing what to do after worship. Learning how to work the coffee hour with people I know and people I don't know. Learning how to mix and mingle with the rest of them. Learning how to work the room. Not just cause it will make me feel cooler, but because I see the after worship time at MBCC as an integral place where this community happens. I see the divine in worship at MBCC, but I encounter God more just by watching the what happens after the benediction. How much more would I encounter God if I felt confident and capable of engaging fully?

That being said, I still think I have one of the coolest internships ever. I get to...
- carve pumpkins
- make mosaics
- knit, drink wine, and giggle all at the same time
- drink lots of coffee
- see all kinds of new parts of San Francisco
- learn all the city's best coffee shops
- join facebook and call it work
- play scrabulous
- throw sheep at Bruce
- eat ice cream with Tiffany

It is a list in progress. I will continue to update it, but let it be said that though I feel challenged, I feel that the learning at MBCC is still life giving... and fun.