learning to live with me

As I am new to my congregation, I am new to blogging and I am always exploring these things, I thought I would write a little about my identity. My preaching professors remind us all the time that we can only authentically preach from who we are, and therefore we have to know who we are. There are days I am still a mystery to myself, but every time you turn around in seminary, you are being asked to reflect on yourself. It can breed narcissism, but it is intended to breed a healthy self-awareness. For my application to become enrolled as an inquirer in my presbytery (the first step toward ordination in the Presbyterian Church USA), I had to describe myself. My answer was as follows:

I am white. I am middle class. I am Christian. I am from the Midwest and am an American citizen. I speak "standard" English. I am from a two-parent family. I come from a line of women with higher educations for the last four generations. I graduated from college without debt. I have never encountered physical abuse. I am privileged.

These identities used to cause me guilt and shame. I did not like being white, tried to hide my middle-class status and shied away from calling myself a Christian. I carry a lot of guilt about my privileges. I am in the midst of transformation. I must own my identities and my experiences, because they are me. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I cannot recognize and affirm the humanity of others if I do not accept my own humanity. I am neurotic, absent-minded, flawed and feeble. I am closed. I am lonely, tired and sad. I disengage. I am paralyzed with anxiety. I am petty and judgmental. But, I am also loving, faithful and compassionate. I am loved. I care deeply about and for others. I withhold judgment and let go of fear. I am creative and fabulous. I am open. I am an artist. I am a teacher. I am a mass of contradictions, but at the center of these actions and feelings, I am me—a child of God here to serve.

In the midst of all this ambiguity, how can I act in the world as "authentic" when I am unclear about who I am? Am I unclear? Can I honor the mystery within me, around me, and in God? To whom am I accountable for who I am?